The Last Unhealthy Relationship I Ever Had.

The Last Unhealthy Relationship I Ever Had.

This ones a fun one guys. I promise. I have been thinking a lot about what to write when it comes to my relationship stories. I seriously have a ton. Some are sad stories… which I won’t get into now… and some are actually pretty entertaining and worth a good laugh. But over all.. I have a bunch of unhealthy relationship narratives that I hope I never forget.

… like the time I was 14 and my boyfriend picked me up from McDonalds in a limo to impress me…. but it was actually really embarrassing because he serenaded me with a song out loud in a parking lot and everyone was laughing. – truth.

But this one is a good one too: The Last Unhealthy Relationship I ever had. Let’s call him….. Earl. I gotta make  up a name guys.

Early on, Earl was super cool guy. We had a ton of fun. We went out dancing, spent some time partying away into the late hours… I tried a lot of new things with Earl. He took me to awesome restaurants. He brought me to a rave party once… It was fun. FUN FUN FUN.

Earl wanted me to be his girlfriend…SOOOO bad. But I just wasn’t into it for some reason. The idea of having a title and being someone else at that point in my life wasn’t really sitting with me in a good way. I just wanted to be free and have fun like I was doing. He was so interested in me and I had a feeling that once I became his girlfriend, that would all change. So I kept pushing off the idea of being monogamous and throwing a title on “US.” …. but then one day I gave in. And I was right. Things changed. And an unhealthy relationship formed.

toxicrelationships

Maybe it was because I suddenly expected more of him… with the title and everything. Or maybe he got scared. He wasn’t exactly experienced when it came to being in a committed relationship — so I don’t really blame Earl. I loved Earl. I loved him very much.

But people change. Relationships change. And then certain things started happening that just began to bother me.

Like the time I moved into my new apartment. I was by myself for the first time living on my own… NO idea what I was doing…. Felt really vulnerable. Earl was going to come by and help me unpack. “I’ll be there in an hour,” he said.

Then two hours.

Then three hours.

No Earl.

Turns out he was at a concert. Months before I told him I was interested in going… he told me “I don’t really like going to concerts.”

….well… he did. And never came over.

I felt kind of like.. Ugh… bothered? Upset? Left behind? Forgotten about maybe. But whatever. We weren’t serious. It wasn’t like it was his obligation or anything.

Then when I thought I had a gas leak and asked him to come over to check it out — he went out to lunch with a girl friend of his instead. Lame. I  wasn’t jealous or anything…. I WAS HUNGRY TOO GUYS!  But I couldn’t use my oven thinking that I could smell gas in my house! Whatever.

The lame “keeping me waiting” pattern of visiting Earl had with me kept coming. Unhealthy relationship sign number one. Why was I always waiting???? Not to mention when he DID come visit, I was always so eager for him to come I would actually offer to pay his taxi fare…. and he WOULD ACCEPT EVERY TIME! (sometimes asking for it when I Forgot)….BIG W-T-F on that one.

Then unhealthy relationship warning signs came again! He would come over just to crash on my couch and watch TV after partying hard at a club I was just too tired to go to. When I wanted to stay in, it didn’t really matter to him. He would leave me and come back for munchies and tv time later. It was like we were never on the same page another unhealthy relationship warning sign.

what is perfection unhealthy relationship

Sure those things bothered me at the time. I laugh about it now. But back then I was new to dating again and didn’t really know what to expect. “Should I really be sticking it out hoping this guy actually wants to spend time with me?” I thought.

Then one day my Birthday came. And this was the unhealthy relationship warning sign that kind of kicked me in. He took me out to lunch, told me my gift was in the mail. I decided that after lunch I wanted to treat myself to a new gym bag from the Lululemon store… YAY For expensive things! This was my gift to me! But he brushed it off. Told me he needed to get somewhere and that I could go to the store or walk with him. So I walked with him. Then the next day he invited me over. I arrived ON TIME. but REALLLY had to pee. So I rushed to the bathroom. While I was… well…. lets just say in there and sitting…. he flung the door open and threw a shopping bag on my lap.

“Here.” He said. “Happy Birthday.”

………

It was the Lulu Lemon Gym Bag…. unwrapped. Unshipped. With the store receipt in the bag.

So he lied. Never got me anything….just grabbed it later on that day after I mentioned I wanted it.

Lying? A BIGGGG no no in my book. A BIG unhealthy relationship sign.. Even if it is about something small.

And not caring enough about me to think of something on his own? I am the LAST person to be materialistic… I would have much rather liked a 20 dollar gift with thought than what was sitting in my lap while  I was in the bathroom.

And let’s not even TALK About delivery guys. REALLY lame delivery.

unhealthy relationship what is Perfection

I cried a lot trying to get him to see how his habits were effecting me. But today I can smile and laugh about the adventure Earl took me on during our time together. It was the first time I could clearly see something wasn’t working for me. And I didn’t TRY to make it work for too long. I didn’t linger on something that was clearly so wrong for me. I was able to recognize it, try to alter what I could, and when I couldn’t: I walked away.

Earl and I will never try to stay together. We will never fight about the terrible way we treat one another. We will never regret our choice of becoming serious and moving in and trying to start a life together…. because Earl and I never did. Earl and I went our separate ways.

The lesson was valuable. Not everything needs to be permanent. Not everything needs to ALWAYS fit perfectly in your life. Sometimes you love and then let go. And that is okay.

You don’t have to keep every one you ever loved around forever.

Even if they do still have your heart in some way or another….. they don’t have to have your whole life too.

 

 

 

Liked this Post? Check Out A Few of My Other Stories!

My Eating Disorder and the Road to Recovery. 

How I Found My Self Worth.

 

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Moving Out and Moving On

Moving Out and Moving On

I thought I would take this awesome Friday to get a bit personal on the blog front — I wanted to tell you all what’s been going on with me and what’s next on my journey of life. A while back, my boyfriend and I decided moving out of our home was the best option for us — financially, and also for other reasons. We packed up our beautiful city apartment last week and moved out to the great unknown of Connecticut! Unknown for me. because I’ve never lived here. I don’t know anyone here … Matt, on the other hand, grew up here. Either way, we both were moving out and moving on to a new chapter for our relationship and for ourselves.

how-to-move-on-and-let-go-of-the-past

Yes it was sad. Incredibly sad for me. But I knew in my gut it was the right decision for me, and for us as a couple.

A while back, I left my job as a CBS News Producer. I had been with the company for five years. But still, there was something inside of me that made me feel like my career wasn’t providing me happiness- and I needed to look elsewhere. So I started to ask myself what would make me happy. I started looking for happiness in more than one place.  And I went on a journey of some deep soul searching. I took a deep hard look at my career and I asked myself: Is This What I really Want? And it wasn’t. I wasn’t happy anymore. I wasn’t feeling good about myself because I wasn’t being true to my passions or my values by working there. And so I realized it was time to end my relationship with my career and start something new. So I broke up with my job and I started a new chapter. You can read a little bit about it in my post knowing when to break up. —

Sometimes following your dreams comes with sacrifices… and my sacrifice in leaving my job was also leaving my financial security. And I knew that if I lost that security I would also lose my apartment – the place that I called home for a year: My boyfriend and I called home – Our First place together.

moving out and moving on what is perfection

Moving Out and Moving On

We really made it special, and we had some really wonderful moments here growing together as a couple in our first year. Our Beautiful Bedroom was decorated in a way that expressed our personalities, our interests and our love for each other. But we said our goodbyes when we decided moving out was the best decision.

Some of my family thought the opposite. Some people said the decision to move out and leave my job wasn’t so smart. But to me, in my heart, it feels right. It feels like I am on a path of finding something really special in myself, in this blog, and in my life.

moving out and moving on what is perfection

We finished moving out and moving onto live with his parents in Connecticut, where we will stay for a little while. Yep… you read that right. We are living with his parents.

Our plan is to save money for the next three months while we look to buy our first house. It is really an exciting adventure, to shop for a home that we will purchase and call our own, but we needed to move in with his family first so we could take our time looking for the perfect home. Buying a house was financially a cheaper route than renting a two thousand dollar apartment in Manhattan. And Since I am not working in the city anymore and focusing on pursuing my dream of running What is Perfection, I knew there was nothing tying me down to the big city. And I missed space.. I missed land. I missed quiet nature. And I missed the freedom of driving a car.

moving out and moving on what is perfection

Packing up everything and moving out was a long and emotional process. The last time I packed up my boxes for moving out and into someone else home, it was because I was getting divorced — and moving back in with my own parents. And This moment brought back a lot of those emotions for me. But I had to stop and really remind myself that this moment was different. This moment of moving in with someone else was not the same. It wasn’t the same because I wasn’t starting over. I was instead, moving out and moving on to something else. It was a decision – a choice – and a good one.

Because now, living here, I have the time to focus on my dream and pursue what is really important to me: Inspiring other women to find happiness, confidence and self love. Will it be easy? No. Will it make life perfect? No. Sometimes when you follow a dream you need to sacrifice certain things to make it happen. And I am okay with that. Giving up on our apartment to start a new adventure in Connecticut is scary, sure. It’s scary because I don’t know what will happen next. I don’t know where we go from here and I don’t have any idea what’s ahead of me. But the great thing is that I didn’t have to sacrifice my happiness. Moving out was just a step closer to what I needed to pursue this dream. And I have the determination to succeed and this blog. And Even though I gave up my home, I am gaining something so much greater than that: The Opportunity to follow a dream.

So keep following along on What is Perfection as I don’t give up. Keep coming back to the blog to check out all the ups and downs of my journey. I am not giving up on this dream I have…  because it FEELS right. And if I have learned anything in the process of finding my authenticity, it is that following your heart is the best thing you can do for yourself. It is the true way to live a happy life.

Sometimes when you empty a space in your life to make room for the unexpected,  great things can happen. And I know they really will!
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What is Perfection is the Self Improvement blog for the imperfect girl everywhere. Learn to find happiness, feel beautiful, and be confident in who you are. We all deserve to be happy, and we all deserve to be the best version of us. And we all are truly capable of getting there. Because Perfection Is Impossible. Happiness isn’t. See The Self Improvement E-Guide Collection For Your Life Coaching Guides to Change Your Life Today!

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How to Let Go: Saying Goodbye

How to Let Go: Saying Goodbye

This week is a sad week for me. Sad, but exciting too. We are packing up our apartment and moving out to Connecticut. My life has taken some turns lately, and I am learning how to let go of a lot of important things in my life. I walked away from my job, I lost many friends in the process that I had to say goodbye to also. And now, sadly, I am saying goodbye to my apartment. The place I called home for a year.

how to let go

It’s sad when something ends — a job, a friendship, a living situation. Letting go and saying goodbye to something you care for is always a hard thing to do. For me, this move is a side step in a new adventure. My boyfriend and I are going to be buying a home soon and we are packing up most of my things into storage, while we spend the next few months with his parents and shop for our new house.

letting go

He’s really excited about the new adventure… but Me on the other hand? I feel insecure. I feel like I am stepping out into the world of the unknown and saying goodbye to something that made me feel comfortable. Something that was certain. Something that I knew was MINE. And now I am going off into this unfamiliar territory where I don’t really know what will happen next! Sound familiar?

what is perfection

This moment of moving on and learning to let go reminds me of the times in my life where I have walked away from something that was making me unhappy to find a better future — not knowing really what will come next. And leaving my home and recently leaving my job reminds me of breaking up with a long love.

howtosaygoodbye

Learning How to Let Go

It may seem like a scary road ahead when you break up and end a relationship… you may feel alone, out of your element and uncertain of what is going to come next. But there are way to cope with it. There are ways to find strength in moments where you are standing alone and walking away to start something new.

So here are some tips that I find work for me in times of insecurity in learning how to let go and walk away.

  1. Make a List of Why This Is Right: Lists are always the best way to create confidence for yourself in moments where you feel doubtful. Whenever I have broken up with someone I cared for in the past, even though I knew leaving was the right thing to do, I always had moments where waves of doubt would consume me.. “I am alone now!” I would think. “This is scary!” and “What if I made the wrong decision?” So get out a pen and paper and make a list: All the reasons this is a GOOD thing for you. Letting go can sometimes be hard, and knowing in your gut it is the right thing to do may not be enough to fight the waves of insecurity in your decision. Making a list of all the reasons you are deciding to let go will remind you that this is actually the right thing to do.
  2. Make a Second List to See Your Opportunities: What Changes will you make to look at this break up or departure as an opportunity? What are the great things this moment has to offer you? Will you now be able to spend more time doing certain things you love? Will you be able to enjoy more nights out with your friends? Maybe you will use this time as an opportunity to explore a new hobby, a new social circle, or a passion of yours that has been left on the back burner. For me, moving away from my past relationships was always a great opportunity for self discovery. I often used the free time to start working out, go to the gym, and focused on my own physical needs rather than someone else’s. So if you are in the middle of a breakup, ask yourself what you can do in this free single time to benefit yourself. You can even read up on Gabby’s post about how Being Single Was an Opportunity to Grow.
  3. Finding What You Really Want:  Remember, Anytime a relationship ends, it is the beginning of a new chapter. What is so amazing about starting over is that you can really reflect on the past and figure out exactly what you want different for yourself. If you left a previous relationship because it was unhealthy or destructive, you can see this new change as an amazing step in finding something you really want. 90 percent of the time, our decisions (good or bad) are here to help us figure out what it is we want and what we don’t want. Moving into a new phase of your life and learning how to let go of the past will allow you to embrace a new chapter for yourself. This isn’t a bad thing… this is an AMAZING thing. Ask yourself what you learned from this previous relationship and try to remember those lessons for whatever new relationship comes into your future.
  4. Remember it is Okay to Always Love:  Romance is a hard thing to move away from. It is okay to look back and feel love for the person you were once with.. Just Like I will always love this apartment, I will remember that there is something bigger and wonderful out there for me that will provide me more happiness than this cozy little tenth floor one bedroom. Remember that it is okay to hold on to feelings of love for something, even if it wasn’t the right Permanent something (or someone) …. you can move on, you can let go, but like Julie Roberts says in Eat Pray Love, you can send love and light to that loved one every time you think of them.
  5. Dont Linger and Don’t Sulk: Getting into an emotional hole is an easy thing to do after you end a relationship. It is easy to sulk and feel sad about what you are walking away from, but you need to quickly break away from that and move onto some game plan you create for yourself. Jump right into the journey to finding happiness and find ways to make yourself feel beautiful instead of thinking your past guy was the only one who could provide those feelings for you.

learning how to let go

Lastly, Have someone you can rely on in your times of feeling doubt or fear. In my case of breaking up with my job and my apartment,  I have my guy to hold on to for support. But if you are ending a relationship, make sure you have someone close to you – a family member or a friend  – that you can look at as your sponsor during this time. Find the support you need from the people you love and hold on to them. It is okay to need a little help once in a while.

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What is Perfection is the Self Improvement blog for the imperfect girl everywhere. Learn to find happiness, feel beautiful, and be confident in who you are. We all deserve to be happy, and we all deserve to be the best version of us. And we all are truly capable of getting there. Because Perfection Is Impossible. Happiness isn’t. See The Self Improvement E-Guide Collection For Your Life Coaching Guides to Change Your Life Today!

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Healthy Relationships : Let Go of Your Past

Healthy Relationships : Let Go of Your Past

No relationship is perfect – Even healthy relationships have their problems. But every relationship, no matter what stage of love it’s in, requires work in order to make it long lasting.   The secret to healthy relationships lies in both partners putting in the effort.  Healthy relationships are something you both have to work towards… it isn’t always easy.

Just ask Taylor Swift. Because if that gorgeous babe can’t keep it together in her dating life all the time, than clearly it isn’t a walk in the park all the time.

Sometimes healthy relationships require team work  to improve things… other times, the work comes from you and only you.

So today I am getting open and honest about healthy relationships, and how exactly we can sometimes actually start sabotaging our own happiness..

And to talk about it… I am opening up about my own relationship…with this cute guy.

 

newrelationshipspreventfrompast

 

Shocking. I know. Seriously. How did I land such a hottie?

He’s probably asking himself the same thing (wink wink.)

Having a cute guy is a plus, don’t get me wrong.. but having a cute guy who lets you write about him on your blog is a super plus plus plus. With like, a million exclamation points. He’s definitely a keeper.

But the truth is I almost lost this guy. A few times actually. And it almost happened at no ones fault but my own.

How? Because I started treating my current relationship like my old relationships.

 

Healthy Relationships Rule Number One: Don’t Let Your Past Failed Relationship Haunt You.

I had some pretty terrible relationships in the past… relationships that made me develop some serious trust issues when it comes to who I choose to share my life with.

When Matt and I started dating, things were so wonderful that I actually felt out of my element. Things were just calm, easy, and relaxed. I had never experienced that before, and so it took me by surprise a bit. “Healthy Relationships ? This is what They Look Like?” Yeah. I was pretty boggled.

But every once in a while, when we were faced with a challenging situation, I started letting my past relationship habits seep into my current relationship.

I started shutting down when ever we had a problem we needed to discuss, because I was so used to having an angry and aggressive partner who shut down whenever something required a little work or extra communication.

I started to obsess over the idea that he didn’t really love me because I was used to having a parter that didn’t make me feel very loved or special.

And I started to become paranoid over the idea that maybe he was lying about certain things, because I was so often lied to in the past.

These worries and emotions came like waves and would consume me from time to time. Each time, they put a huge damper on our relationship and set us a few steps back in our path of growing as a couple.

Was my current relationship stressful? Absolutely not! I was making it that way by approaching situations in fear based on the way my old relationships were.

Was Matt ever lying or not being a good parter? Nope. I was obsessing based on someone else’s actions in my past relationship — not his actions in our current relationship.

Was he ever one to shut down and not be interested in improving the relationship when we were faced with challenges? Was he ever the one to cause a stressful tense fight? Absolutely not!

My old relationships were riddled with these qualities.. and so anytime the environment of our current relationship seemed to remind me of my past relationships, I would freak out and go back to my old stress-induced unhealthy habits. NOT GOOD.

 

healthy relationships

 

So here is how you kick those bad habits in the butt.

Try to look at healthy relationships as a clear possibility and goal : You can have a new fresh start. When things get tense or when the relationship seems off balance, you need to take a good hard look at your feelings and ask yourself, “Do I feel this way because of THIS relationship? Or do I feel this way based on my own experiences in the past?” Try to figure out if your partner is truly the one causing you stress or unhappiness. Often times we forget that the people we share our lives with weren’t always there.. if you’re treating your partner a certain way based on how you were treated by someone else in the past, you are not doing your job of being a fair and caring girlfriend.

Also, make sure you are honest about your weaknesses and insecurities. If you feel like you are bringing bad habits to the table, don’t ignore them: recognize them! Don’t be afraid to talk to your partner about why you are feeling a certain way. Getting all those flaws out in the open will help improve your communication and understanding of one another.

And lastly,  do your best to let go of the past. We all have a past. We all have one bad experience or another that haunts our present life from time to time. But do your best to put it all behind you. If you are holding on to bad habits out of fear or insecurity, it’s time you set them free. Your guy or girl loves you for who you are now. And If they truly are the right person for you.. letting go will create the space in your lives for amazing wonderful healthy love.

 

So that’s my two cents on healthy relationships. More to come! And be sure to check out the relationship section of the blog to read more tips and tricks on love.

 

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What is Perfection is the Self Improvement blog for the imperfect girl everywhere. Learn to find happiness, feel beautiful, and be confident in who you are. We all deserve to be happy, and we all deserve to be the best version of us. And we all are truly capable of getting there. Because Perfection Is Impossible. Happiness isn’t. See The Self Improvement E-Guide Collection For Your Life Coaching Guides to Change Your Life Today!

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You Are Beautiful. You Are Worth It. You Are Not Alone.

You Are Beautiful. You Are Worth It. You Are Not Alone.

 

 

To every woman who has ever felt like she wasn’t enough. Like she wasn’t beautiful. Like she wasn’t worth it. You are not alone. This video is for you.

Two years ago, when I felt incredibly lost and everything in my life felt totally out of my control — I had zero self worth. I had just ended a serious relationship, and felt like my self-esteem was nonexistent.  … I was fighting bad habits, abusing drugs and alcohol and struggling with facing my past… being unloved and never feeling good enough — and those feelings were weighing on me heavy each and every day.. I felt like no matter what I did I was never going to be able to love myself the way I really wanted to.

 

So I took to my computer and made a video journal … I spoke everything I was feeling back then and let my emotions run free… Then yesterday, for the first time, I watched the video.

All of those emotions came flooding back. I remembered the girl I used to be and how low my confidence was — how sad I felt and how little I thought of me.

At the time, I thought I was alone. I thought for some reason I was this weird girl that just lacked self confidence.. everyone around me appeared happy and put together. I thought I Was just a unique mess. I spent years trying to perfect my body and my image.. I developed obsessive compulsive habits related to my diet and exercise routine… I just wanted so badly to be this perfect package on the outside because I believed that maybe if I was… that maybe I would finally be loved the way I wanted to be.

It didn’t work out that way. In fact…. years later I have discovered that amazing happiness and confidence needs to stand on its own… you can’t only believe you are beautiful because of the way you look… you have to just believe it because of the wonderful person that you are.

Today, two years later, I feel blessed and beautiful and truly deserving of the love I provide for myself each and every single day. That’s why I founded What is Perfection — because I Wanted to be able to show all of the women out there that there is a way to find confidence and true happiness – it is possible to feel beautiful and love yourself and feel like you are an amazing person – no matter what you are going through right now in your life… it gets better.

You deserve to feel beautiful and loved. Each and every single day of your life. And I hope this video reminds you that you are not alone.

 

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Divider what is perfection

What is Perfection is the Self Improvement blog for the imperfect girl everywhere. Learn to find happiness, feel beautiful, and be confident in who you are. We all deserve to be happy, and we all deserve to be the best version of us. And we all are truly capable of getting there. Because Perfection Is Impossible. Happiness isn’t. See The Self Improvement E-Guide Collection For Your Life Coaching Guides to Change Your Life Today!

Divider what is perfection