Happy Valentines Day WIP Followers!

Happy Valentines Day WIP Followers!

It’s Valentines Day! Ahhh I love it. If you’re single and you hate it, don’t worry, we will get to that in a minute. I’m gonna shove Valentines Day loves far down your throat you are going to love it.

Kidding.

But seriously.. these cookies. I Can’t even deal. Omg I am all over the place today!

 

 

This is the first Valentines day I feel excited for in awhile. So much is happening today that is worth celebrating! Matt has some surprise for me (which is fun of course) and I also have an amazing work schedule today, with a fun amazing podcast episode I am recording with Ruby Fremon! So excited to have her on the Imperfection in Me Podcast! (stay tuned for more details on that next week!)

Okay. So yes. I have a lot to celebrate. But I also have a lot I want to share. Today I thought I would take some time to really list the 14 most valuable lessons on love and how to have the happiest relationship life possible. These 14 lessons have guided me through my love life and got me to where I am today. And I am so excited to share. Okay. here we go!

1- Love you’re relationship, but always love yourself more.

2-If honesty and trust do not exist, there is no love.

3- a healthy relationship partner loves you for all that you are and all that you aren’t. He doesn’t try to change you and he doesn’t try to make you feel bad about being different.

4-respect is the fundamental basis of all happy healthy relationships. If you have no respect, you have no healthy relationship.

5-communiciation is more important than anything – even more important than good sex.

6-Your partner will never give you what you need unless you are trying to figure out how to give it to yourself first.

7-It isn’t “crisis situations” that damage relationships  – it’s how you handle those situations. And a relationship can get through anything if the right people communicate the right way.

8-Forgiveness is not just saying “I forgive you.” Forgiveness is a two way street. Both people need to work on healing through whatever it is.

9-You will never find true love unless you find true love within yourself.

10- Your partner is not your other half. Your partner is like the delicious cheese cake after dinner. You are a complete dish on your own.

11- Being real and raw in your relationship is the only way. And if you can’t feel comfortable being real and raw, you have a problem.

12- Love should exist when you are apart and when you are together. But being apart is important.

13- 90 percent of arguments should be respectful and have a positive outcome. If they don’t -somethings up.

14- love yourself first. Always love yourself.

xoxo

 

The Truth About My Relationship with Matt.

The Truth About My Relationship with Matt.

I woke up in the middle of the night to write this post: let it be known.

So now you are reading this – congratulations – kidding. Because there are probably a lot of spelling errors and things that make no sense (backwards apology.)

I had this random urge to write this post, and I am running with it.

The Real Truth about my relationship with Matt.

haha. Caught your attention there didn’t I?

Well as always, it’s Unfiltered Friday Real Deal Time! Let’s jump in, shall we?

 

You know, I get asked a lot of questions about this: So many people want to know more about my relationship with Matt, and I always kind of feel surprised by that. Maybe because I put so much of myself out there on the blog and in the podcast,  that it actually somehow inadvertently makes people really curious about the man I share my life with.

But for the record, I never intentionally hold back the deets. I never choose not to share something about my relationship on the blog. And Matt has never asked me to hide the truth or not mention something about our relationship.

And I freaking love him so much for that.

I guess there are a lot of things that I just forget to talk about. Things that, after a few years of dating, have just become normal. But for along time, a healthy relationship was a foreign concept to me. I had no clue how to do it or whether or not a healthy relationship was even a real thing – since so many of my relationships in the past had been so destructive.

Matt had a really unhealthy relationship in his past too. And so we both needed to learn how to let go of our old habits and insecurities.

He is perfect for me.

Let me just be clear: Matt is not some magical unicorn with a penis. He is just a regular normal guy who I love. A whole freaking lot.

He has his imperfections too.

-He sings off key, and I think it is adorable.

-He makes pasta sometimes really late at night and will melt a stick of butter and then leave half of it in the bottom of an empty bowl in the sink instead of throwing it in the dishwasher and I want to yell at him every single time.

-And he has a really hard time remembering my birthday.

He is also sometimes too apathetic, disconnected, and robotic.

But I love all of him. And that’s why it works. Because he loves all of me too.

Like that sexy John Legend song that makes you want to cry and make a baby at the same time.

-Weird.

But seriously. We accept each other whole heartedly. And it’s fucking beautiful.

Matt has never told me I can’t do something. He has never discouraged me from pursuing anything that I was passionate about. He has never told me, “that’s stupid” or “what a bad idea,” about something. (except maybe that time I wanted to try moving the furniture around the apartment in a really really crazy way that I see now made absolutely no sense.)

He lets me figure out my shit on my own.

He let’s me be me. In all my weirdness. And he loves me for it. So I love him back the same exact way.

He never tells me “yeah right,” when I come home for the 20th time telling him I am going to do something that I haven’t ever in my life done. And he say’s “that’s great babe I’m proud of you,” when I tell him something I have accomplished.

But….

-He doesn’t cuddle me when I tell him I don’t feel good.

-He gives the most pathetic back rubs.

-One time I was walking through a parking lot with him and he didn’t try to protect me when I almost got hit by a car.

-He doesn’t compliment my looks as often as I’d like (and yes I usually have to ask “How do I look?”)

-And he only expresses himself emotionally when he feels naturally compelled too. (which isn’t really a lot.)

And in the beginning of our relationship, I used to think I needed those things from him and it drove me nuts.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

I don’t need pretend love. I need real love.

Matt knows what’s bull shit – and he doesn’t feel like he needs to put it into our relationship. And truthfully, I respect that.

When he cuddles me it feels real. When he compliments me it always makes me feel good, and when he expresses himself emotionally I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

And those things do not happen as often as I’d like – sure. But I like that I am always hungry for it. Because it makes the organic moments special and real for me.

I don’t need to be complimented 24/7 because I actually feel good about myself. I don’t need cuddles every time I feel sick (even though I want them)  because I am in fact a strong woman – and I don’t want that to change. And I have come to learn that sometimes affection, when reserved for special moments, actually makes it more meaningful and memorable.

But that’s just me. We all need different things.

The point here is this: A healthy relationship is not just about getting what you want when you want it. It’s about understanding and embracing the balance between what you need vs. what brings you joy. Like having your vegetables before your ice-cream after dinner.

OMG that sounds so lame. But seriously…

A healthy relationship is about growth – and enjoyment. At the same time.

And a healthy relationship was something I never thought was possible for me. After years of horrible relationships I just felt like it was never in the cards. And now I have it.

And no one should ever feel like they have to settle for anything less.

In case you are wondering about Matt’s past relationships – let’s just say those weren’t so easy either.

We both needed to learn some hard lessons, change our ways and create a new lifestyle for ourselves when we started dating. (letting go of the past is really important.)

 

 

But here’s the truth about my relationship with Matt:

He loves me for all my imperfections. And he has his too.

And we don’t try to hide them for each other.

He never makes me feel less than him.

He is always “in tune” with me and can recognize when my emotions are off or something is going on.

He never tells me what to do or how to do it. And he always encourages me.

He is always honest when I ask him a question about myself – and somehow he can speak the truth in a way that doesn’t make me feel insulted.

This is love. This is life. This is my life. And  this is what I am truly grateful for. It isn’t the passion we share that’s unique. This isn’t some magic carpet ride fairytale love story.. It is a deep and abiding adoration for one another that is always respectful and always growing.

You know… I woke up thinking that this post was important to get out. And I am so grateful I am writing it.

Listening to my gut is never the wrong decision

I love you Matt.

xoxox

IS IT LOVE OR AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?

IS IT LOVE OR AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?

I’m going to make this simple today. Because for a topic that is so super complicated, being clear and to the point is really important here.

As a Relationship Recovery expert I see a lot of girls struggling to recognize when their relationships are really bad for them.

And I totally get it.

I’ve been there too.

I run a whole group dedicated to helping girls like this (join the community here if you haven’t already.)

We don’t always go into a relationship with low self worth, am I right? But when we find ourselves in an abusive relationship – we slowly start to feel “less than.” Know what I’m talking about? Good. Okay. Here’s a little check list I want you to go through today. Use this list to start figuring out if you’re romantic life is really just an abusive relationship in sheep’s clothing. Get it? okay. Here we go ladies:

 

Top Warning Signs that You are in an Abusive Relationship

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He is constantly making you feel “less than” good about yourself.

If you are struggling to feel good about yourself on a regular basis, it’s probably not your fault. Nine times out of ten, when we find ourselves in an abusive relationship, we often feel crummy about ourselves too. It is really easy to let the quality of your relationship dictate how you feel about yourself. And if you are feeling less than or not good enough, then maybe it’s time to start asking yourself if your abusive relationship bears those qualities too.

He has you questioning your own loyalty, morals, or values.

I have yet to see a client that is a bad person or heartless partner. Yet, so many of my clients come to me feeling like they are! They actually start believing that maybe they aren’t worth anything better. Here’s why: an abusive relationship causes you to feel that way. Being in an abusive relationship plays tricks on your mind. Because if your partner is constantly being source of aggression, it wouldn’t surprise me if you fall down to his level every once and a while to defend yourself. Is he yelling at you all the time so on a few occasions you yelled back too? Or maybe he called you names and one day you suddenly snapped and called him a jerk face too (or probably something worse.) We try to defend ourselves by speaking the language our partners speak… and if that way of living isn’t in line with our morals, values, or beliefs, well… then we start feeling like we aren’t very good people. (and maybe we deserve this unhealthy mistreatment.) News flash: You are NOT to blame for your situation. And if your abusive relationship has you doubting how kind hearted or good you are, it is a big no no warning sign to walk away.

When you try to work on things and talk, it always turns into an argument.

Ineffective communication is a big red flag. It comes with the territory of being in an abusive relationship, unfortunately. When partners don’t communicate properly, it can really wear you down and start making you feel insignificant. I’ll give you an example: a client of mine was so deeply frustrated in her unhealthy relationship. She kept trying to communicate what she needed and wanted, but it always turned into an argument. She could never tell her partner how she felt without him yelling and screaming back. What happened? Well..she started to believe something was wrong with HER. She started questioning herself – “Why can’t I get my message across clearly?” “What’s wrong with me that he just doesn’t understand.” ….. If this is you.. just know – the problem is not on your side. It’s time to walk away.

You often feel like you want more than what you are getting in the relationship.

Let’s play off that example I just gave for a minute. That client of mine was trying to tell her partner that she needed certain things from him. And he wasn’t reciprocating. A loving healthy relationship should have healthy communication and sense of respect. Check out my post on How to Communicate if you need more help on this. But basically, what I’m saying here is that if you are in need of something, a healthy happy relationship partner should be able to work on giving that to you. If he doesn’t – well then bye bye!

You have lost a lot of your friends and feel very alone.

I’ll keep this one short. When we are in an abusive relationship, our partners may push us away from the people we love. It isn’t because we don’t love them – it’s because we are scared of losing our partner if we don’t distance ourselves. It’s a survival mechanism. And if you’re at a point where you feel like you are alone or without the friends you once had, it’s time to walk away.

OTHER WARNING SIGNS: 

The things that are important to you seem way less important to him.

You feel like a different person than you once were before the relationship.

You cry and yell more than you laugh and love.

You feel scared to talk or bring up certain things.

You changed your personality in the relationship

IF THIS IS YOU: START HERE

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How We Turn a Disaster into a Loving Moment

How We Turn a Disaster into a Loving Moment

I have to be honest… I sometimes don’t appreciate my relationship for the amazing thing that it is. I mean… I always feel grateful to have Matt, but there are times where  I just sort of forget how wonderful we are together. Until a disaster happens.

haha. What? Sounds crazy right?

Yup. We are the BEST at handling insanity.

This weekend we were hit with some really bad news. It started with a toilet… and a bathtub – and a lot of gross icky water that just decided it didn’t want to leave the house. Yeah… total clog in the pipes. Let me rewind a minute.

We’ve been spending all this time getting excited about decorating our special fireplace room (I wrote about last week in this post) and we’ve been getting super excited about buying a beautiful couch for the space and brainstorming the home decor we want to buy. So just as we are finishing up our project repainting the room, and we’re having all these day dreaming exciting feel good vibes, when suddenly we are hit with a big big expense: time t fix a crushed water pipe.

 

Matt instantly felt stressed. And overwhelmed. And really sad. And I thought to myself, “Is this the end of the honeymoon home owner phase?”

Nope. We rocked it. Totally rocked it. What was total disaster turned into an amazing moment where I felt so loved and appreciated by my man and was able to help pull him out of that crazy funk in no time. And just like that – we were happy again.

And today I’m talking about it. (Sorry Matt.)

How to Fight off the Stress in a Relationship And Start Feeling the Love Instead

Let’s face it. All relationships have tough times. No matter how close to perfect a relationship is, there are times when life throws us a curve ball and we need to handle the stress together with our partner as a team. Not every stressful moment needs to end in screams and crying and door slamming. In fact – I don’t actually think Matt and I have had a fight like that in years.

Recognize The problem is neither one of you.

If it’s a situation where “it is what it is,”  the last thing you want to do is start blaming each other. In my old relationships – when something unexpected happened – financial expenses, random unexpected car repairs, even death in the family (yes we fought then too) we would constantly take our stress out on one another. This is why that relationship is my “past relationship.” When stressful times came, we were quick to point the finger at one another just to feel better about our anxiety. When it comes to a stressful situation where both partners feel anxiety and pressure from a third party experience (Something happening outside the relationship – aka money problems, unexpected craziness, and life challenges) The last thing you want to do is stop working as a team. Because seriously – turning on each other doesn’t accomplish anything. Recognizing that the situation is something you are both feeling overwhelmed about is a great first step. Realizing no one is to blame is even better.

Identify your partners needs (even if they are different than yours.) 

A while back, when Matt and I started dating, we talked about this. “When you are stressed out, do you want me to be there for you to talk to? Or do you want me to walk away?” I am the type of person that needs that direct connection and shoulder to cry on when things go wrong. Matt isn’t. He needs space. So when things went wrong this weekend and I started seeing him get frustrated,  I walked over to him and told him. “I will be upstairs if you need anything. I’m not ignoring you, I am just giving you space.” I knew that was what he needed. And he came to me when he was ready.

This goes back to the Love Languages and the importance of understanding your partner’s needs. Just because you are together and love each other and connect well, does not necessarily mean that you need the same things in times of stress.

Pick your role: One person is the rescuer and one person is the one who needs saving. 

Every stressful situation between me and Matt is unique. There are times where Matt won’t see something as big deal and I’m the one freaking out. There are times when the roles are reversed. And then there are times where we are BOTH stressed out and BOTH longing to have a rock to support us. No matter what the situation, you need to identify who is going to be the guiding voice of calmness during stress (there needs to be one of you.) Here’s how I usually decide who is who: If my emotions are way too strong to handle – I am the one who needs to rely on Matt. But if I can be optimistic about something and really see that things “aren’t so bad,” I harness that energy and decide that I’m going to be the one pulling us out of our emotional hard place. Deciding what your role is going to be makes a huge difference.

Be the cool super hero you know your partner needs (not the one you want to be.) 

When you decide that you are the one who  is going to lead you out of the tough time, you need to do it in a way that your partner understands. The best analogy I can give for this is like trying to make a baby laugh and doing a bunch of different things to see what works. When Matt is stressed, I try my best to do the things I know he needs: be logical, make jokes, and act carefree. If he did those things with me when I am sad or stressed I would probably punch him in the face.. That is not the super hero attitude I need when I am having tough time. But that’s what works for Him and that is what he needs. Finding out what makes your partners stress and worry goes away is the key to being that amazing rock of support when he needs it. And the same goes for you – when you are stressed – he needs to be that super hero you know and trust.

So What happened after our stressful situation? 

I never really sat down and wrote out these steps until now… But I realize how important they are to being a great partner and working as a team. The minute the stress melted away Matt gave me the biggest hug and told me how great I was – how much he needed that support and how well we work together.

Damn straight we are.

Calm down.. we aren’t super special… we just follow these steps really well!

xoxox

 

 

 

 

True Love or Truly Toxic?

True Love or Truly Toxic?

I remember my unhealthy relationship years ago kept me asking this question over and over and over again.

“Is this really a healthy loving relationship? Or is this, by far, the most toxic thing I have ever experienced in my life.”

You would think that is a simple question to answer – but in reality, it’s one of the hardest things to decipher when you are going through it.

Love is heated and passionate. So it’s only natural that a relationship has ups and downs right? So how do we actually figure out if we are just having a normal relationship or a seriously destructive disastrous romance that leaves us running for the hills?

Today’s post… breaking it down for ya!

 

Warning Signs You Are In A Toxic Relationship

Take a good hard look at your relationship and see if any of these little warning signs ring a bell.

When you fight, you feel like you are constantly being misunderstood.

Time and time again you are finding yourself in heated arguments that you feel like you never officially “solve.” Not to mention, you find yourself fighting about the same things over and over again with little results. What’s worse is that when you have these arguments, you feel like no matter what you say he just “doesn’t get it.”

You feel like you have tried to change yourself to please partner too often.

You stop being as “emotional” to please him. Or maybe you stop being so flirty because he isn’t comfortable with affection. Or how about all the times you yelled or started raising your voice and thought to yourself, “this isn’t me. Why am I acting this way?” If you find yourself changing who you are in a negative way, your relationship may be doing you and your individuality some serious harm. Part of being in a loving relationship is accepting the differences and uniqueness each partner brings to the table. And if you feel like your relationship isn’t doing that, it may be a big warning sign your love life isn’t really as healthy as you thought it was.

You have a lost your sense of worth or confidence and can attribute it to your relationship.

You feel stuck. Insecure. Afraid of walking away because you don’t think you’ll find anything better. In my past relationship, I was always scared of walking away because I was told so many times that “No one else would ever love me.” I started to believe I was damaged goods, and that even if my unhealthy relationship was bad, I wouldn’t be able to find anything else. This is a big red flag.

You are constantly giving yourself and getting little back.

You give up hobbies, cancel time with friends, devote all your energy to trying to fix the relationship, but when you reflect on your partner’s actions, you see little of the same “hard work” that you keep putting in. You constantly try to show your partner that you do love them, hoping to get some love and affection back but often times you feel like nothing happens.

It’s time to walk away girl.

What other warning signs have you experienced or seen? Come share in the Facebook Group.

 

How to Rebuild Your Life After a Breakup [FREE WORKSHEETS]

How to Rebuild Your Life After a Breakup [FREE WORKSHEETS]

Hey girls.. so yesterday on Whatisperfection.com I got real about a part of my own story – what happened in my life when I walked away from my ex. And how my world felt like it was falling apart – but then later, how I realized it was such an awesome thing to happen.

Yeah.. looking back, I am so super happy that my life fell apart. Because it changed my life in so many awesome ways.

But did it feel that happiness when it was happening? Um.. HECK NO. Having your life fall apart totally sucks. Like, going to the dentist and getting your teeth pulled kinda-suck.

If you didn’t check out yesterday’s story, you can read it  here.)

But if you did read that post, you’re probably wondering: How the heck can I make that happen for myself?

How do you go from feeling so shitty after a breakup to feeling so rockstar awesome!?

Good thing you’re reading this post so I can share the deets.
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I could dish out all my secrets and tips for how to drastically revamp your life, but then you would be spending a heck of a lot of time reading this article.

Which is why I threw EVERYTHING into a 30 Day Course called Broken to Beautiful that you can check out here. 

But for the time being, let’s get real about some magical things you can do after a break up to start feeling a little bit better.

Repairing Your Life After a Breakup

Try believing that you aren’t breaking up to be alone. You are breaking up to date yourself.

This is one of the most powerful things we can do: change our mindset, and start looking at things differently. When I became single for the first time (in a long time) I really struggled with the idea of “being alone,” because it was something I just had no clue how to do. I mean seriously it had been a LONGGG time since I was single, and I really had no idea how to do it. So what did I do instead? Well.. I did the thing I knew EXACTLY how to do: be in a relationship. Except instead of being with someone else, I focused instead on BEING WITH ME. Yes. I full out dated myself. I made Saturday afternoon plans to go to the movies and treated myself to fancy dinners. I spent time getting to know myself like I was a new strange person in my life (and when you are single for the first time, yeah it kind of feels that way so it’s easy to pretend.) But that simple change in mindset totally helps.

He was a jerk. Remember… he was a jerk.

And if you forget, I recommend making a list. There is a fantastic exercise we do in the Broken to Beautiful 30 Day Course that is focused around this sole premise. Get out a pen and paper and make a list of all the ways your relationship did you damage. It is much easier to feel good about walking away from a relationship when you remember how bad it was. (And sometimes, when we are alone, we quickly forget that.)

Make your single life an adventure

So, just touching on that first point there – where I talked about “dating yourself,” let’s just elaborate: Be the BEST freekin girlfriend EVER to yourself. One of the ways I learned how to enjoy my free time was by making a single girls bucket list. There’s a free E-guide for it! (just click here)

But making an “experience” out of your new found single life definitely helps in the process of healing. It’s an awesome way to do all the things you always wanted to do *and never did.*

Start repairing yourself rather than the relationship.

Self Love and Personal Development is the first big badass step to healing your heart. I am not saying you need to go out and completely transform your life the minute you end a break up, but I can probably guess that the thought of that doesn’t sound like such a bad idea. The biggest best thing you can do for yourself after a heart break is rediscover yourself. Learn how to strengthen your self love, learn the painful lessons this breakup is really offering you and make the most out of the experience.

It isn’t about fixing the relationship anymore. It’s about fixing your heart. And that all starts from within.

Hope these tips  help! Also, check out these free E-guides for healing heart break!

 

AND THE 30 DAY COURSE BROKEN TO BEAUTIFUL 

Broken to Beautiful 30 Day Online Course what is perfection

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