I woke up in the middle of the night to write this post: let it be known.
So now you are reading this – congratulations – kidding. Because there are probably a lot of spelling errors and things that make no sense (backwards apology.)
I had this random urge to write this post, and I am running with it.
The Real Truth about my relationship with Matt.
haha. Caught your attention there didn’t I?
Well as always, it’s Unfiltered Friday Real Deal Time! Let’s jump in, shall we?
You know, I get asked a lot of questions about this: So many people want to know more about my relationship with Matt, and I always kind of feel surprised by that. Maybe because I put so much of myself out there on the blog and in the podcast, that it actually somehow inadvertently makes people really curious about the man I share my life with.
But for the record, I never intentionally hold back the deets. I never choose not to share something about my relationship on the blog. And Matt has never asked me to hide the truth or not mention something about our relationship.
And I freaking love him so much for that.
I guess there are a lot of things that I just forget to talk about. Things that, after a few years of dating, have just become normal. But for along time, a healthy relationship was a foreign concept to me. I had no clue how to do it or whether or not a healthy relationship was even a real thing – since so many of my relationships in the past had been so destructive.
Matt had a really unhealthy relationship in his past too. And so we both needed to learn how to let go of our old habits and insecurities.
He is perfect for me.
Let me just be clear: Matt is not some magical unicorn with a penis. He is just a regular normal guy who I love. A whole freaking lot.
He has his imperfections too.
-He sings off key, and I think it is adorable.
-He makes pasta sometimes really late at night and will melt a stick of butter and then leave half of it in the bottom of an empty bowl in the sink instead of throwing it in the dishwasher and I want to yell at him every single time.
-And he has a really hard time remembering my birthday.
He is also sometimes too apathetic, disconnected, and robotic.
But I love all of him. And that’s why it works. Because he loves all of me too.
Like that sexy John Legend song that makes you want to cry and make a baby at the same time.
But seriously. We accept each other whole heartedly. And it’s fucking beautiful.
Matt has never told me I can’t do something. He has never discouraged me from pursuing anything that I was passionate about. He has never told me, “that’s stupid” or “what a bad idea,” about something. (except maybe that time I wanted to try moving the furniture around the apartment in a really really crazy way that I see now made absolutely no sense.)
He lets me figure out my shit on my own.
He let’s me be me. In all my weirdness. And he loves me for it. So I love him back the same exact way.
He never tells me “yeah right,” when I come home for the 20th time telling him I am going to do something that I haven’t ever in my life done. And he say’s “that’s great babe I’m proud of you,” when I tell him something I have accomplished.
-He doesn’t cuddle me when I tell him I don’t feel good.
-He gives the most pathetic back rubs.
-One time I was walking through a parking lot with him and he didn’t try to protect me when I almost got hit by a car.
-He doesn’t compliment my looks as often as I’d like (and yes I usually have to ask “How do I look?”)
-And he only expresses himself emotionally when he feels naturally compelled too. (which isn’t really a lot.)
And in the beginning of our relationship, I used to think I needed those things from him and it drove me nuts.
Here’s what I’ve learned:
I don’t need pretend love. I need real love.
Matt knows what’s bull shit – and he doesn’t feel like he needs to put it into our relationship. And truthfully, I respect that.
When he cuddles me it feels real. When he compliments me it always makes me feel good, and when he expresses himself emotionally I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
And those things do not happen as often as I’d like – sure. But I like that I am always hungry for it. Because it makes the organic moments special and real for me.
I don’t need to be complimented 24/7 because I actually feel good about myself. I don’t need cuddles every time I feel sick (even though I want them) because I am in fact a strong woman – and I don’t want that to change. And I have come to learn that sometimes affection, when reserved for special moments, actually makes it more meaningful and memorable.
But that’s just me. We all need different things.
The point here is this: A healthy relationship is not just about getting what you want when you want it. It’s about understanding and embracing the balance between what you need vs. what brings you joy. Like having your vegetables before your ice-cream after dinner.
OMG that sounds so lame. But seriously…
A healthy relationship is about growth – and enjoyment. At the same time.
And a healthy relationship was something I never thought was possible for me. After years of horrible relationships I just felt like it was never in the cards. And now I have it.
And no one should ever feel like they have to settle for anything less.
In case you are wondering about Matt’s past relationships – let’s just say those weren’t so easy either.
We both needed to learn some hard lessons, change our ways and create a new lifestyle for ourselves when we started dating. (letting go of the past is really important.)
But here’s the truth about my relationship with Matt:
He loves me for all my imperfections. And he has his too.
And we don’t try to hide them for each other.
He never makes me feel less than him.
He is always “in tune” with me and can recognize when my emotions are off or something is going on.
He never tells me what to do or how to do it. And he always encourages me.
He is always honest when I ask him a question about myself – and somehow he can speak the truth in a way that doesn’t make me feel insulted.
This is love. This is life. This is my life. And this is what I am truly grateful for. It isn’t the passion we share that’s unique. This isn’t some magic carpet ride fairytale love story.. It is a deep and abiding adoration for one another that is always respectful and always growing.
You know… I woke up thinking that this post was important to get out. And I am so grateful I am writing it.
Listening to my gut is never the wrong decision
I love you Matt.