The Truth About My Relationship with Matt.

The Truth About My Relationship with Matt.

I woke up in the middle of the night to write this post: let it be known.

So now you are reading this – congratulations – kidding. Because there are probably a lot of spelling errors and things that make no sense (backwards apology.)

I had this random urge to write this post, and I am running with it.

The Real Truth about my relationship with Matt.

haha. Caught your attention there didn’t I?

Well as always, it’s Unfiltered Friday Real Deal Time! Let’s jump in, shall we?

 

You know, I get asked a lot of questions about this: So many people want to know more about my relationship with Matt, and I always kind of feel surprised by that. Maybe because I put so much of myself out there on the blog and in the podcast,  that it actually somehow inadvertently makes people really curious about the man I share my life with.

But for the record, I never intentionally hold back the deets. I never choose not to share something about my relationship on the blog. And Matt has never asked me to hide the truth or not mention something about our relationship.

And I freaking love him so much for that.

I guess there are a lot of things that I just forget to talk about. Things that, after a few years of dating, have just become normal. But for along time, a healthy relationship was a foreign concept to me. I had no clue how to do it or whether or not a healthy relationship was even a real thing – since so many of my relationships in the past had been so destructive.

Matt had a really unhealthy relationship in his past too. And so we both needed to learn how to let go of our old habits and insecurities.

He is perfect for me.

Let me just be clear: Matt is not some magical unicorn with a penis. He is just a regular normal guy who I love. A whole freaking lot.

He has his imperfections too.

-He sings off key, and I think it is adorable.

-He makes pasta sometimes really late at night and will melt a stick of butter and then leave half of it in the bottom of an empty bowl in the sink instead of throwing it in the dishwasher and I want to yell at him every single time.

-And he has a really hard time remembering my birthday.

He is also sometimes too apathetic, disconnected, and robotic.

But I love all of him. And that’s why it works. Because he loves all of me too.

Like that sexy John Legend song that makes you want to cry and make a baby at the same time.

-Weird.

But seriously. We accept each other whole heartedly. And it’s fucking beautiful.

Matt has never told me I can’t do something. He has never discouraged me from pursuing anything that I was passionate about. He has never told me, “that’s stupid” or “what a bad idea,” about something. (except maybe that time I wanted to try moving the furniture around the apartment in a really really crazy way that I see now made absolutely no sense.)

He lets me figure out my shit on my own.

He let’s me be me. In all my weirdness. And he loves me for it. So I love him back the same exact way.

He never tells me “yeah right,” when I come home for the 20th time telling him I am going to do something that I haven’t ever in my life done. And he say’s “that’s great babe I’m proud of you,” when I tell him something I have accomplished.

But….

-He doesn’t cuddle me when I tell him I don’t feel good.

-He gives the most pathetic back rubs.

-One time I was walking through a parking lot with him and he didn’t try to protect me when I almost got hit by a car.

-He doesn’t compliment my looks as often as I’d like (and yes I usually have to ask “How do I look?”)

-And he only expresses himself emotionally when he feels naturally compelled too. (which isn’t really a lot.)

And in the beginning of our relationship, I used to think I needed those things from him and it drove me nuts.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

I don’t need pretend love. I need real love.

Matt knows what’s bull shit – and he doesn’t feel like he needs to put it into our relationship. And truthfully, I respect that.

When he cuddles me it feels real. When he compliments me it always makes me feel good, and when he expresses himself emotionally I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

And those things do not happen as often as I’d like – sure. But I like that I am always hungry for it. Because it makes the organic moments special and real for me.

I don’t need to be complimented 24/7 because I actually feel good about myself. I don’t need cuddles every time I feel sick (even though I want them)  because I am in fact a strong woman – and I don’t want that to change. And I have come to learn that sometimes affection, when reserved for special moments, actually makes it more meaningful and memorable.

But that’s just me. We all need different things.

The point here is this: A healthy relationship is not just about getting what you want when you want it. It’s about understanding and embracing the balance between what you need vs. what brings you joy. Like having your vegetables before your ice-cream after dinner.

OMG that sounds so lame. But seriously…

A healthy relationship is about growth – and enjoyment. At the same time.

And a healthy relationship was something I never thought was possible for me. After years of horrible relationships I just felt like it was never in the cards. And now I have it.

And no one should ever feel like they have to settle for anything less.

In case you are wondering about Matt’s past relationships – let’s just say those weren’t so easy either.

We both needed to learn some hard lessons, change our ways and create a new lifestyle for ourselves when we started dating. (letting go of the past is really important.)

 

 

But here’s the truth about my relationship with Matt:

He loves me for all my imperfections. And he has his too.

And we don’t try to hide them for each other.

He never makes me feel less than him.

He is always “in tune” with me and can recognize when my emotions are off or something is going on.

He never tells me what to do or how to do it. And he always encourages me.

He is always honest when I ask him a question about myself – and somehow he can speak the truth in a way that doesn’t make me feel insulted.

This is love. This is life. This is my life. And  this is what I am truly grateful for. It isn’t the passion we share that’s unique. This isn’t some magic carpet ride fairytale love story.. It is a deep and abiding adoration for one another that is always respectful and always growing.

You know… I woke up thinking that this post was important to get out. And I am so grateful I am writing it.

Listening to my gut is never the wrong decision

I love you Matt.

xoxox

Episode 4: The Psych Ward and My Imperfect Mind.

Episode 4: The Psych Ward and My Imperfect Mind.

I am really excited about Episode 4 of the Imperfection In Me Podcast. But I got to be honest, I am also a little nervous. This is the episode where I share one of my most intense self reflections…. a moment from 2009 when I admired myself into a psychiatric ward. EEK! Yes. No wonder I’m nervous right?

 

Real and raw, just like I promised.

Yes. That was the girl I used to be. And even in this podcast, talking about the life I used to have feels really foreign to me. It almost feels like I am talking about a total stranger.

Why? Because I am so far away from that life now. I feel like a different person. I feel like so much has changed about me.

But I felt like this was something  I really wanted to open up about. There are so many people out there who are afraid to talk about their own mental illnesses- whether they be mood disorders, depression anxiety, or whatever. So many people are afraid to talk about the emotional struggles they face. And I refuse to be one of those people.

It’s time we raise awareness – get clear about the struggle is really like – and not shy away from sharing our stories.

come check it out!

xoxox

 

 

Listen on Google Play Music

 

The Real Deal:  My Mental Illness

The Real Deal: My Mental Illness

This is probably one of the hardest blog posts I’ve ever written. Not because I’m scared of putting myself out there or anything like that, but because this is a really hard topic to write about.

There is so much to say.

And so many ways to say it.

And most importantly, I don’t want to say any of it wrong.

So let me just lay down some ground rules before you read this:

1. I am not a mental health professional. Don’t read this post thinking that I am your new meds expert.

2. What works for me may not work for you. Don’t read this post thinking that I am acting like I know everything. I know everyone is different.

3.Please don’t judge my raw vulnerability. This is who I am. This is a part of my narrative. And I refuse to hide it.

Okay. Ready? here we go.

For a long time I struggled with sharing this piece of my life…

Even before the blog. I felt really insecure about having a “mood disorder.” or a “mental illness.” I worried people wouldn’t accept me for it, or that they would look at me differently because of it. Especially because years ago I had attempted suicide. I wasn’t one of those “just a little sad and grumpy” people – I was one of those people that really wanted to die. The fact that my illness was so serious, it made me scared to share it. I didn’t want peers to think they had to censor themselves around me, and I didn’t want my colleagues to know that I was “one of those people who didn’t have their shit together.” And while that was a total B.S. limiting belief of mine – It still affected a lot of my decisions in life and how I lived it. And most importantly, denying my illness really impacted how I felt about myself.

“You need to hide this part of who you are, because this is weird. And you don’t want people to think you’re weird. Or even worse: crazy.”

So for a while, I pretended it wasn’t real.

My illness is real.. and that’s pretty much all I know….

Pretending it wasn’t there only made things worse. When I ignored it, I went on and off medication. I felt ashamed by it. And stopping and starting regimens made me sick, suicidal and really out of my element. Even to this day “accepting my condition” is something I struggle with.

I take medicine for a while, feel really good, and then decide, “f-this. I don’t need meds.” A few days later I am a psychotic mess. That’s just how it is.

It’s been a long time since that has happened.. but a few weeks ago I ran out of my meds.. and BOOM. Disaster.

Having moments like that makes me feel so ashamed. I am a life coach – and I don’t have my shit together 100 percent of the time guys.

I have an illness. And that doesn’t make me less of a human being. I can’t ignore that I have it.

But I cannot tell you what I have, because the truth is I have no fucking clue. I have been diagnosed so many times in my life. Today I believe that being “diagnosed” is just a ploy for doctors to get your insurance company to approve medications.

Having a label didn’t do anything for me. It only made me feel more lost in the cycle of prescription drugs. But what I realized (and even talk about in my podcast ) is that having a label doesn’t solve any problems. I don’t have to define my illness to know that it is a serious problem area in my life that needs my undivided attention.

So when someone asks me “what I have,” this is my response:

My brain does not absorb serotonin the way a normal brain does. And for that, I need medication. 

Who knows how this started. I will never know. Some doctors tell me I was born this way. Other doctors have told me that when you have a traumatic experience at a very young age, sometimes your brain can actually change itself – which would make sense, since I was raped and assaulted in my teenage yeas. But just like I don’t focus on finding a label for my illness, I also stopped trying to figure out what caused it. So that I could focus on the much more important issue: Finding the right treatment.

Because Mental Illness Sucks….and so does Big Pharma.

I have been struggling with finding the right medication regimen for 10 years. Yes. 10 fucking years. When I was first diagnosed, doctors didn’t know about the sexual trauma I experienced, so they used what little information they had to diagnose me.

“She is up, she is down, she is bipolar.”

It pretty much took them all of five minutes to come up with that one.

Ever since then, I’ve been struggling to “feel balanced” with the “medication that works.”

Because all of them have side effects.

I’ve been on medications that made me sleep 16 hours a day.

I’ve taken pills that made me walk around like a zombie.

I was once on a regimen that was known to cause liver damage, so I needed to get blood work every few months.

Meds that made me gain 60 pounds

Meds that made me develop an eating disorder.

And my favorite – I was once on a medication that gave me a serious facial tic. Yeah. That was super fun.

I’ve tried them all…  Big Pharma is my worst enemy.

For so long I was conditioned to think that just by taking a pill I could solve all of my problems.. when in fact, often times, taking one pill caused me six other problems that I needed more pills to fix.

I hated it.

Pills solve problems? That can’t be more farther from the truth in my life.

New Prescriptions don’t solve problems… PEOPLE do….

One of the biggest game changers in my life was deciding that I was going to control my mental illness. I wasn’t going to rely on a pill to do it for me. I make sure not to have too much coffee after a certain time (to avoid mania) I stay away from alcohol as best possible. I take supplements (the new ones I’m trying are pictured here – thanks Angie for the recommendations) and I practice meditation and self reflection every single day.

I am the person who has to live with this rollercoaster mind- so I can’t rely on a pill to magically solve my problems. I need to take care of myself.

If you don’t have a mental illness, here’s what you need to know….

When your friend tells you “I am feeling sad today,” it is not sadness the way you know it to be. It is on a whole other level that you probably cannot even imagine even if you tried. If your friend isn’t functioning well, telling her “just get out of bed and go do something,” is not going to encourage her to feel better. And asking her “What’s wrong,” is a question that will sometimes go unanswered… because she doesn’t even know how to answer it when she tries to ask herself.

Still don’t get it? Listen to this chicken cutlet story….

One time, when I was in depression mode, I remember sitting at the dinner table with my parents staring at my plate. I had a chicken cutlet on it. There was a knife and fork on the side of the plate, and in order to eat my dinner, I had to cut the chicken cutlet. Seems simple right? No way. I was so emotionally unstable that I felt like I was dying. I was so overwhelmed and in complete emotional breakdown mode  that I could not for the life of me figure out how to do it. Yes. I couldn’t figure out how to fucking cut a chicken cutlet to eat it. I broke down crying. My mom had to cut my food for me. I was twenty three years old.

This is not a joke people. Depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, panic attacks – these are real scary serious things. When left untreated they are debilitating.

So take mental illness seriously. Treat it with kindness. Make your mental health a priority.

And stop pretending it doesn’t exist.


P.S. these are vitamins I am taking to help with brain function.

Solgar Omega-3 Fish Oil Concentrate Supplement, 240 Count

Solgar, 5-HTP 100 mg, 90 Vegetable Capsules

Now Foods True Calm(tm) Amino Relaxer 90 Caps ( two-pack)

Now Foods B-12 2000mcg, 100-Count

Friends Suck and My House is a Mess – Unfiltered Fridays

Friends Suck and My House is a Mess – Unfiltered Fridays

I am so happy it is Friday! Not because I am a normal human who has a job she can’t wait to get a break from (seriously I love my job I can’t get enough of What is Perfection and the WIP Girls in my life.) To me, the fact it is Friday means that Matt will be off of work the next two days, and he can help me get our house one step closer to not being a total disaster.  And that makes me really excited.

Yes. Our house is a mess. And Yes it is driving me crazy.

Lately, my office area has become my little “clean space sanctuary.” It’s sort of my sanity room in the upstairs space of our house. Walking downstairs, I have to walk through the fire place room to get to my bedroom and that is in shambles right now. total shambles. The fireplace room.. not the bedroom.

We moved into our new home a month ago, and since then we have been taking on small redesign projects in the house. The fireplace room is our biggest challenge right now. But it is the most exciting project we have taken on yet. Because I’m obsessed with that space of the house.

The fireplace room is a gorgeous open high ceiling room that leads into our master bedroom. We call it the library room. It has these gorgeous built-in book shelves that I legit drooled over when we first saw the house. But it definitely needed some TLC and some serious redesigning. So here we are, taking on the challenge. We aren’t exactly Chip and Joanna Fixer Upper professionals here – but we are learning as we go! And it’s fun.

But seriously, the mess is killing me. Enough already. 

All my beautiful precious books are scattered all over the dusty floor and it makes me want to cry. I just love my books, and having a built in book shelf was a dream of mine ever since I saw Beauty and the Beast.  Who cares about the handsome man – I want a library full of bookshelves and a sliding ladder in my house!!

So here we are making it happen.

We are taking a big trip to Home Depot today to get the last minute things we need to hopefully complete the project this weekend. The homestretch of messiness is here!!! I see the light! 

But until it’s finished, I am cuddling up here in the organized office area.

I don’t know how I got this way, but I hate messy cluttered spaces. I feel like everything in a home should have a place, and my desk and work area is very much a reflection of that mindset. You can see more pictures of my desk space here in this post. Having an organized home makes me feel less stressed, more put together and very very proud of myself for some weird reason.

Don’t get me wrong if I come to your house and it’s looking like Hurricane Katrina hit it I won’t bat an eyelash. It seriously doesn’t bother me to be in a messy environment, it just bothers me when my own space is that way.

And boy.. It’s a total natural disaster up in here right now.

But sometimes you need to make things really messy in order to make them beautiful.

So as soon as that room is beautiful I’ll let you know 🙂 cross your fingers for a productive weekend!

Okay… so let’s get to the real raw and unfiltered messy talk that’s on my mind right now – the juicy stuff.

 

My Unfiltered Friday Thoughts

I’m obsessed with my podcast.

I am having so so much fun growing and pushing myself in my new podcast series The Imperfection in Me. If you don’t know about it, it’s my real raw and unfiltered life podcast where I share excerpts from past journal entries and the lessons we can all learn from them. New episodes air in Mondays and so far I got some real juiciness out there… I talk about the time I was raped, the year I ended up in a psych-ward and the journey of finding yourself in your 20s. It’s super fun, and super honest. And theres more coming.

As scary as it was to be so vulnerable and put myself out there – I am realizing that the more real you are – the better life gets. Go subscribe if you haven’t already! Seriously what are you waiting for. 

I’ve been wanting to start my podcast for a while, but kept putting it off. I was scared that the more real I was, the weirder I would be – and the less people would want to be my friend. How silly is that right? What a crazy limiting belief I was carrying around on my shoulders! The more open I am, the better life coach  I can be… and truthfully, the better relationships I have formed.

Because friendships seriously suck.

At least they used to for me. Let me explain.

I got a message from my friend Heather yesterday:

“I love how our friendship is growing and how we are helping each other to be better people. Why cant all friendships be like this?” 

(she’s probably shaking in her boots reading this right now)

Sorry to say it, but most friendships suck because  most women are fake. Most women aren’t real. A lot of ladies pretend to be something they are not because they are trying too hard to do things the way they are ‘supposed to’ rather than be their authentic selves.

“I don’t have to walk on eggshells when we talk. And I hate having to have a filter with people.” 

This really sunk in for me. – Oh my god. Heather is an amazing friend and I am so grateful for her.

And even more so after she said this. It got me really thinking – How many relationships have I had in my life where I was trying to “fit in” or “be something I wasn’t” just to please other people or be polite. How many fake friends have I had over the years?

Heather – thank you for this lightbulb moment. It was incredible. I am seriously so grateful for you.

The truth is I have been that girl with a lot of friends – and I hated the person I was back then. It’s hard to please the majority of the world and be happy at the same time. Living like a chameleon, constantly changing your personality to blend in with other people or certain environments is so uncomfortable… it may be easy to do in the beginning but you reach a point where you totally lose your identity and have no idea who the heck you are!

Looking back on friendships as I knew them before, I can see how much it sucked to live life that way. Heather and I have just formed this amazing friendship over time… and we did it just by being ourselves! That’s what a true friendship looks like. And that’s how we all should live. Being our true authentic selves and not trying to please other people.

 

So Here are some more authentic thoughts.

 

I seriously have to poop right now.

Kidding. Just wanted to set the tone for some real randomness right here.

All of my clothes have holes in them right now… and I am too busy to go shopping and buy new ones.

I work from home… don’t really care what I look like.. The only time anyone sees me really is during live coaching calls or Facebook videos. Which reminds me….

I ran out of eye concealer and I need to go buy more like yesterday.

Anyone have a favorite brand out there? I’ve been using urban decay lately and I love it.

I have a seriously unhealthy relationship with Money.

I don’t like talking about it… I don’t like spending it… I don’t like thinking about it. I just want to serve people and not have to come up with prices for my products and coaching plans… but I need to eat too… But why can’t I just date the monopoly man and not worry about it? I’m seriously working on this. Of all my life coaching skills, this is probably the thing I am working on the most right now – learning to be accepting of success and embracing abundance.

I make an active choice to NOT read the news. And I don’t care if you hate that.

It just doesn’t serve me to be so emotionally invested in what’s going on right now. So a while back I decided to shut it off and disconnect from the news world. It is a decision I have made for my life because I believed it would make me happier. And right now, that is what is serving me – focusing on my own mission. So if you want to talk Trump or politics I will listen to you express your feelings and be the shoulder to cry on but I won’t have much to contribute. #sorrynotsorry. I am choosing happiness and making a difference in the world my own way.

I’m reading my new favorite self improvement book for a second time right now.

The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success. In case you are interested.

I am obsessed with the girls who enrolled in this years Brand New Me Course.

I seriously love them to pieces. The are all amazing. (Waitlist is open for the March course now.)

I have to work out.

But I don’t want to work out. My pajamas are too comfortable right now. Seriously feeling the struggle right now.

I want a new tattoo… But I can’t make a decision.

Indecisiveness at it’s best.

I never let anything anyone else does or feels bother me. It is the best life practice ever.

If you are going to take any page out of my book – you should take that one.

xoxoxo

P.S. Random Thought Bonus: Did you see my little promo video? I’m kind of obsessed with it.

My Imperfect Label: Being Mentally Ill.

My Imperfect Label: Being Mentally Ill.

In 2008 I was diagnosed with a mental illness. It was my first year of college. It was also the first year I attempted suicide. And the year I was raped. Yeah…a lot of big things happened for me that year. A lot of big and scary things.

But probably the most monumental moment in 2008 – the one that hurt the most – was the moment I decided that I was exactly what everyone else thought I was:

An unfixable damaged emotional mess.

And I thought life would always be that way.

Boy oh boy was I wrong.

I’m keeping today’s post on the blog short and sweet.. because honestly, the Podcast says it all. Today, live, is episode two: “Labeled Imperfect and mentally Ill.”

I urge you guys to all go check it out. It’s available on iTunes and Google Play.

Questions about it? Comments? Get at me in the community group!

xoxo