Learning to Let Go: The Past Doesn’t Have to Equal the Future

Learning to Let Go: The Past Doesn’t Have to Equal the Future

Have you ever had a moment of your life that felt like it truly defined you in a truly negative way? Maybe it was a serious break up that left you damaged. Did that break up leave you feeling jaded by love? Or maybe you were so deeply hurt by a friend. Did the experience cause you to put a wall up and keep other people at a distance for fear of getting hurt?  Perhaps you have failed at something in the past and formed a negative belief that you couldn’t be successful or accomplished. Your past effects your future. And sometimes, not for the better. When we interpret the negative things we have experienced as a reason to hold back from living, we stand in the way of our own happiness. Are you that girl? Do you relate to any of this? If you are.. keep reading so you can learn how to let go of the past and move forward in your life.

how to let go of the past - what is perfection

I learned how to let go of the past.

And if I can. You can too.

I wasn’t always a self improvement expert. Before I started helping hundreds of women out there I needed to learn how to help myself first. And that wasn’t easy!

So let me take you back a minute to the person I was before What is Perfection.

I felt like I could never be truly happy.  I was constantly facing bad experiences, hurting from them and feeling like a victim of my own life. It all started when I was very young. I was abused at a very young age, sexually assaulted by six men when I was thirteen  (you can read that story here if you are interested.) But it wasn’t the experience that left me jaded – it was how I interpreted it. I saw this painful memory as something that defined me. To me, my assault made me an unloveable human being who was just meant to be used by other people.

And I never thought those things outright, but I certainly carried it in my subconscious.

I never let go of the past, so it followed me. And because I never fully let go of the pain, you can guess what happened.

I only experienced more and more pain.

So without letting go of the past, more bad things happened. And it seemed like I could not control it.  So I started to believe that my life was happening TO me, not for me.

I thought that the past would equal the future.

So in the years that followed, I lived life like a victim.  I believed that I was broken. I shut myself out from knowing other people and becoming friends with people who truly were wonderful and kind because I believed that everyone was out to hurt me. “No one could possibly love me,” I believed.

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Learning How to Let Go of The Past

When you hold on to a painful experience and let it define you for the rest of your life, it ends up taking you down a path you weren’t really suited for. Because I didn’t let go of the past, my life became a reflection of my negative past. Because i never healed from what I had been through properly, I couldn’t move forward in my life. Bad things kept happening because I was holding on to what I had experienced so many years ago.

But that wasn’t who I wanted to be. In my heart, I wanted to be a strong, confident and successful woman who was proud of who she was. I didn’t know that in order to do that I needed to first let go of the past. But once I figured that out everything in my life changed for the better. I became the determined woman I am today. I turned into a person who was in full control of her own life. And if I could do that, you can to.

I decided it was time to make a change. I healed, I recovered, and I let go of the past.  The experiences I went through where so powerful. And today I teach hundreds of women how to gain control of their lives and do the same thing for their own path.

So if you are one of the girls out there struggling to let go of the past, I wanted to share this post today and offer you some of the tips I teach my clients.

This is how I healed and recovered. And I am sharing them today so you can learn to let go of the past and you can create the life you truly want for yourself.

let go of the past - what is perfection

 

How To Let Go of the Past

Stop Believing that you are a victim. Start living a like a warrior instead.

This applies to any traumatic experience: relationships, physical abuse or other wise.. if you believe you are a victim, you will live like one. Don’t get wrapped up in the negativity. If you focus on the past you will make yourself physically sick and emotionally stuck. Bad things happen.. they are the balance to make us appreciate all the wonderful beautiful things life has to offer.. but when you believe you are victim of bad experiences, you only attract more bad experiences. Moving forward from something traumatic is really about embracing the future and looking forward in a positive way.. and you can’t do that if you believe you are a victim.

Stop blaming yourself for the past and start forgiving.

For a while I was haunted by everything that had happened, so much so that I was filled with this immeasurable amount of hate towards the people who had done me wrong. It made me sick. In order to heal and recover I realized that focusing on the things I couldn’t control- other people’s actions in the past and in the future – would do me no justice and bring no positivity in my life. So I sat down and wrote letters. I wrote letters to the men who hurt me, to the friends who abandoned me, to the family members I felt had never given me the support I needed. They were notes of forgiveness. “I forgive you for hurting me,” thought I never sent them out. I kept them in my heart and in my notebook, and looked at them from time to time when I felt doubt. Forgiveness is key to moving forward.

Stop letting others define you.

I really looked deep into my heart and asked myself why I cared so much about what other people thought of me. Why did other people’s opinions really matter so much to who I was? The truth was… they didn’t. It didn’t matter if people who didn’t know the truth thought less of me. If I took a true honest clear look at myself, the problems I were facing, then I could fix them. It didn’t matter what other people thought. I refuse to let other people define me. If someone doesn’t want to be friends with me, it isn’t because there is something wrong with who I am. If someone doesn’t think I write well, or sing well, or do a good job at work — it isn’t necessarily the truth. Because what matters most is my own opinion of myself.

Start to look forward towards your future.

So, you ready for awesomeness? Because you will never let go of the past unless you start imagining a better future! So if you ask yourself, what you want your future to look like, if it could look like anything in the world, what would the answer be? You deserve that vision just as much as any one else. If you go through a painful breakup and never love again — you are letting your past create your future. If you fail in your job once and never pursue your passion any further, you are letting the past create your future. Don’t make decisions for the future based on the circumstances of your life before. Just live. Live freely, deeply, and with passion.

Always, and forever. Because no matter what you have experienced in life, you can change your future.

 

 

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Bullying and Being Beautiful – My Struggle Story

Bullying and Being Beautiful – My Struggle Story

I got my first Bully in the second grade. It wasn’t one of my play school friends — it was actually her mom. She still lives around the block from my parents, and I still cringe every time I drive past her house.

I think about the time she told her daughter I was fat

Or the time she told all of the moms that I was stuffing my bra (because I matured too fast)

Or the time she called me a hippie because of my bell bottom jeans.

Then I got my second Bully when I was in the fourth grade: Nick C. I had a total crush on the guy, but the only attention he ever gave me was when he called me a monkey.

Since I really wanted the teasing to stop, I let the first guy who paid attention to me be my boyfriend. But he was in the cool crowd, and as a result, I only got a group of more bullies: The girls in the cool crowd.

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The Truth About Bullying

It sucks. It sucks when your seven. It sucks when your 13. It sucks when you are an adult. There is no way around it. But here’s the one thing you can control: Your Future After Being Bullied.

I started thinking about this topic after my amazing friend Amanda posted on WIP about fighting off her Bullies, and not getting plastic surgery.  It’s an issue that is even worse today with social media and being constantly connected. Bullying is a crisis guys. And we need to fight it.

When I went to a Tony Robbins Seminar last week (more posts to come)  I learned something….Even though I was bullied by these people long ago… I was still living with that feeling of being bullied. And I was letting all of my bullies hold me back from being a risk taker and being happy with my life.

I wasn’t feeling confident because my bullies taught me not to be.

I wasn’t believing in myself because my bullies never believed in me.

I stopped being who I truly was because being bullied taught me I shouldn’t be.

It was wrong. All of it was wrong.

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Beat it Bully

Listen.

Bullies may bring you down, they may hold you back, they may try to keep you from being who you are or prevent you from fitting in…. but that is them. And you are different. Don’t let them control you or how you live the rest of your life.

So at the seminar I went to in West Palm Beach, there was an exercise where we were told to dance like we were crazy happy… But I couldn’t let go for some reason.

I kept thinking: “What if someone sees me acting ridiculous? Will I get made fun of?” I mean seriously… the last time I went to a rave sober was never… so I had no idea how to let go without being under the influence.

But I did it! I let go! And I learned something…. it doesn’t MATTER what people think. There is a room of 9,000 people – are they really judging me? And if one of them is, Who the heck cares?!

And that’s a metaphor for somethings even bigger… this world is huge. It is so big. It is full of billions of people who are all different and all unique… and just because a few mean butt heads are trying to bring you down, doesn’t mean you should live life thinking that everyone is going to put you in a box and judge you.

Bullies Come and Go… YOU are here forever. Don’t keep them with you. Let them go and remember life is bigger than whatever bully you are facing. Ignore the nay sayers and be you! Be confident with who you are. Love yourself for YOU — don’t ever give them the win by saying you give up.

Live yourlife with passion.

 

 

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Plastic Surgery and Feeling Beautiful – Saying No to the Knife

Plastic Surgery and Feeling Beautiful – Saying No to the Knife

I am so blessed to have so many beautiful women in my life who inspire me and teach me things every single day. Today, I am so happy to share one of those amazing stories on the blog– A story from my friend Amanda — how she struggled with feeling beautiful and for a long time — thought about getting plastic surgery to change something about herself…. Turns out — she feels more beautiful than she ever did before … and it had absolutely nothing to do with changing how she looked. I am so happy to share this beautiful and touching story by one of the most beautiful women in the world. Here it is.. from Amanda:

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Feeling Beautiful, and Saying No to Plastic Surgery – Amanda’s Story

When I was in fourth grade, a boy named Billy would torment me every day. I would go home and cry and ask God why he had to curse me with a such a hideous nose. “Frosty” and “Pinocchio” were two of the hurtful nick names that I acquired, however the worst insult of all was “You are ugly.” This hurt me to my core.

I was made fun of for my big, Sicilian nose throughout high school and even a few times in college! Sorry ladies, not all boys grow up after high school. I thought to myself “you will never find anyone to love you…” That’s when it hit me: plastic surgery. I seriously debated getting a nose job for several years.

plastic surgery what is Perfection

The thought was first put into my head in middle school when my doctor said I would need surgery for a deviated septum. “While we are in there, do you want us to fix anything else?” To me this confirmed that the face that I was born with was both unattractive and fixable. When I met my husband in 2010, I shared these thoughts with him.

plastic surgery what is Perfection

He told me that I was perfect the way I was, but that he would support any decision I made because I had to do what would make me happy. And that’s when It clicked. What the hell was wrong with me? How did it take me so long to realiZe? It wasn’t my nose that was making me so unhappy. It was my perception of myself. It took me many years to finally love myself…to learn that my Imperfections were a part of what made me beautiful…and that surgery would not make me happy. That was up to me.

Now a high school teacher, I hear my students complain to each other about their bodies and their hair and their eyebrows and their noses every day. Some girls refuse to eat lunch because they want to be thin like Chloe Kardashian. A boy told me recently that he wants to get Botox and facial reconstruction. A high school boy said this! To all of the boys and girls, men and women out there who look at themselves and see all that is wrong, I urge you to change that mindset. The next time you look at yourself in the mirror, take a deep breath, smile and see all that is RIGHT. Try to see yourself for what you really are: beautiful. And to all of the “Billys” out there who are telling young girls that they are ugly, I have one thing to say to you: look at me now. I am beautiful, I am powerful, I am ME and you cannot break my spirit.

plastic surgery what is perfection amanda's story

 

 

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What is Perfection is the Self Improvement blog for the imperfect girl everywhere. Learn to find happiness, feel beautiful, and be confident in who you are. We all deserve to be happy, and we all deserve to be the best version of us. And we all are truly capable of getting there. Because Perfection Is Impossible. Happiness isn’t. See The Self Improvement E-Guide Collection For Your Life Coaching Guides to Change Your Life Today!

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Relationship Problems: Not Getting What You Need.

Relationship Problems: Not Getting What You Need.

Relationship Problems — no matter how wonderful your relationship is — HAPPEN. They happen to everyone. There are rough obstacles and challenges in every relationship. Let’s face it… even the best of couples have difficult moments they need to work through. The key though.. is how you work through them.

Knowing all about unhealthy relationship habits from my past partners — I can truly appreciate the solid communication I have with Matt — the guy I am with now. Sure we enjoy each other’s company and love each other very much.. and that is really awesome. But our best quality — I think — is how we communicate whenever their is a problem or obstacle in our way. And trust me.. we have had a quite a few hurdles – normal relationship problems – that we needed to overcome.

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There were a lot of things we needed to work on when we first started dating… and then again we moved in together, we had a few more challenges. There were conflicts between us.. like every normal couple.. problems we needed to address – Like how when we moved in together, I felt I was doing all the chores ….or how I didn’t feel like he was being as affectionate or loving with me as I wanted him to be…(you can read all about that in our post about showing love and getting love.)

Then there were times that He needed certain things from the relationship and wasn’t getting them…. like how he felt he didn’t have enough of his own time to himself after we moved in.  (See my post: Doing What Makes You Happy Even When You’re In a Relationship)

Or how he felt I was too critical or judgmental of him when things went wrong because I was treating him as if he were my X who I didn’t trust.  (letting go of my past relationships   was a big thing for me.)

or.. The biggest conflict of all…. the one that almost broke us up.. which I’m sure I will post about at some point….but not today.

The point is we have had a fair amount of relationship problems… moments when one of us felt like we weren’t getting what we needed or wanted out of the relationship…. and we needed to address our concerns… Those moments could have broke us had we not handled them correctly.. but they actually made us stronger! Our ability to communicate in a clear way without disrespecting each other is really the quality of our relationship that I appreciate the most. We are truly always smiling.. even when things are difficult.

http://https://whatisperfection.com/showing-love-and-getting-love-the-language/

 

 

Relationship Problems – When You Aren’t Getting What You Need

Here are some common relationship problems I hear from my close friends on the regular.

1.My guy doesn’t make an effort to spend time with me.
2.All he wants to do is watch tv all the time and he doesn’t pay any attention to me.
3.He’s flaky. He doesn’t call when he says he will or he shows up late all the time.
4.We live together, but he doesn’t contribute to the house hold chores… I feel like I am doing most of the work.
5.I talk to him and I feel like he is not listening to me. Or that he doesn’t care about what I am saying.

relationship problems not getting what you need what is perfection

How To Fix Your Relationship Problems in a Way that Isn’t Destructive

Telling Your Guy He Needs to Change his Ways Without Causing an Argument

All of these Relationship problems seem small… but sometimes, handling them the wrong way can make them turn into a total disaster for your relationship. Here’s how we do it.

GET RID OF THE BLAME: One of the biggest mistakes I have seen people make (and I have made too in the past) is blaming my partner for all the unhappiness I am feeling in the relationship at that moment. No matter what habit needs to be pointed out or acknowledged, placing the blame on the guy 100 percent is NEVER the solution. Even if it is something you didn’t cause or control, “you do this” or “you do that” conversations can really belittle your partner. “I hate it when you do…” is a REALLY bad way to fix any problem. When having a conversation about a relationship problem, your choice of words really does matter. Instead of saying “you NEVER call me when you say you will,” … why not try something like, “You know, I just have a lot going on right now and my schedule is really busy… and I feel really disappointed when I make time to talk to you and it doesn’t happen. …. I miss taking to you.  I think we need to try and find a better way to communicate. Maybe we should try picking a different time, or a different way to talk.” Get the point?

MAKE IT CLEAR WHY IT IS A PROBLEM AND HOW IT IS AFFECTION YOU (REMEMBER – WITHOUT BLAME): Addressing the relationship problem without acknowledging your emotions behind the issue is a big mistake. Without telling your guy how it makes you feel, you are never going to get your partner to see the importance of changing his ways. “It makes me feel unloved,” or “it makes me feel less appreciated,” are some key phrases I have used in the past. I don’t cry. I don’t yell. I stay calm and express my feelings in a clear and recognizable way so that he realizes how his actions are effecting our relationship… and doesn’t think I am just complaining about nothing.

ASK WHY IT IS HAPPENING: Instead of just acknowledging a problem… try to figure out WHY that problem exists. And figuring it out together is a great way to brainstorm the relationship problem and all the ways you can fix it. Why is it that we aren’t spending as much time together as I need? Rather than “You don’t spend enough time with me,” is a great way to come up with a solution, rather than just making an open ended insulting statement about how you feel. And this way… the relationship problem has a shot at being solved!

COME UP WTH WAYS YOU CAN HELP:  I hate it when I hear girls tell me about all the things they need their guys to do… they feel out of control of the situation,  but they don’t come up with any solution that allows them to TAKE control. NO guy should ever be the one bearing the responsibility of changing the relationship… it should be THE BOTH of you working together to improve it. There was a time where I felt like Matt wasn’t listening to me when he came home… and would just watch TV. Once we talked about why that was happening, I discovered that after a long stressful drive home, he really just needed to relax for a half hour or so and have time to decompress. Getting that explanation from him really reassured me that it wasn’t anything I was doing that made him uninterested… but I could HELP the situation too… Now, when I have certain things I want to talk to him about when he gets home from work, I am sure to give him a few moments to relax first.

http://https://whatisperfection.com/showing-love-and-getting-love-the-language/

When The Relationship Problems Turn Into Deal Breakers

This has happened to me before. Relationship problems can sometimes turn into the thing that makes you call it quits. You remember my post about the last unhealthy relationship I ever had? Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t get a guy to change his ways. And that’s a really difficult thing to face. Have you been having the same conversation over and over again about an issue that just doesn’t seem to correct itself? By definition, that’s insanity. “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” You can never CHANGE people… If your relationship problems are really troubling, And if your guy is really attached to the habit that you for some reason cannot handle… it is time to walk away. Don’t drive yourself insane trying to fix something with someone who doesn’t really care. When do you know when it’s time to walk away? That is different for everyone. Just follow your heart and do what you feel is right. You should never be compromising your values and what you feel is important in a relationship. Compromise with your partner to find solutions… but don’t ever compromise what you need from a true loving relationship.

The internal fight you will have with yourself trying to not care about something you truly care about is way worse than any relationship fight you could ever have.

 

Like this post on relationship problems and how to work through them? Check out the others I mentioned through this story:

The Different Ways of Showing Love and Getting Love – Learning to Speak Your Guy’s Language

Putting Yourself Before Your Relationships and Doing More Of What Makes You Happy

How to Let Go Of Past Relationships to Have a Healthy New One
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What is Perfection is the Self Improvement blog for the imperfect girl everywhere. Learn to find happiness, feel beautiful, and be confident in who you are. We all deserve to be happy, and we all deserve to be the best version of us. And we all are truly capable of getting there. Because Perfection Is Impossible. Happiness isn’t. See The Self Improvement E-Guide Collection For Your Life Coaching Guides to Change Your Life Today!

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Girl Talk: Being Happy with Being Single.

Girl Talk: Being Happy with Being Single.

Are you the girl who has no idea how to be happy alone?

You know the girl I’m talking about.

She’s the girl who is constantly dating someone because she’s totally scared to be single. She tries so badly to stay with a guy because she doesn’t want to be alone.  She is a “serial dater” who is always with an “in a relationship” Facebook status.

And she’s miserable because of it.

Am I totes in your head right now? Good. Let’s talk about it.

how to be happy alone what is perfection

Full disclosure; Before I mastered the art of self-confidence – I was this girl. I had no idea how to be happy alone, and was constantly dating jerks just to fill the void.

 

I felt like I needed to have a boyfriend to be happy.

But actually, I was already pretty miserable.

Because I didn’t know how to love myself.

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Learning how to be happy with being single doesn’t come easy for most people. It’s especially hard if you’ve just come out of a really unhealthy relationship that drained you of your self-esteem.

Because how can you possibly feel happy about being on your own when you feel like shit about yourself?

 

Embarking on single life after a shitty relationship ends can feel even suckier than the shitty relationship felt.

There are a lot of awesome things about being on your own, but it’s hard to recognize them when you’re too busy feeling scared A.F.

So let’s change that shall we?

how to be happy alone what is perfection

How to Be Happy Alone.

Step One: See being single as an opportunity. If you want to learn how to be happy alone, you need to start looking at things a little differently. Don’t see being single as a bad thing. Instead, try to see it as a chance to grow. Stop saying “I’m single.” Start saying “I’m dating myself” instead.

Step Two: Make a list of all the reasons why being single is actually a GOOD thing.  It’s time to reflect on all the reasons being single is good. Chances are you’ve been a big negative nancy about this if you are reading my tips here, so let me help you out. Being single is awesome. You don’t have to be accountable to anyone or check in to let someone know where you are. You don’t need to share the TV-remote and you don’t need to clean up after someone else. Bye-bye extra dirty dishes in the sink. Adios boring shows you hated watching. You now have a life that is legit all about you. Congratulations.  Go reflect on why that’s an awesome thing. Make a list and use it when you feel your confidence wavering.

Step Three: Make your “I’m a single girl” to do list. I highly recommend this step for anyone who feels lonely and has no idea how to be happy alone. Go brain storm all those awesome things you wanted to do but never did when you were in a relationship. See this single life you now have as an opportunity to go be a badass and do all of those things! Fill your free time with more of your crafts and hobbies. Join a Gym Start a list of all the books you want to read and go read them.Have movie date nights with yourself – pour a glass of wine and start tackling your netflix list one movie at a time.Make a Single Person’s Bucket List (but be responsible ladies.)

Step Four: Start taking action. Once you discover all the things you want to do, you need to go take a massive action girl. Just go do it. Because once you take the leap of faith and say this is “my time” you will totally thrive, flourish and be amazing. The months, weeks or years you spend being single will be the best time of your life.  Learn to date yourself. Learn to love yourself. You can never love another unless you love YOU first.

 

Need help brainstorming ideas for learning how to be happy alone? Check out the post on the single girl bucket list and get your free E-guide!

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Liked this post? Try These:

Make Yourself Feel Beautiful: Eight Simple Ways to Feel Confident and Gorgeous.
Finding Happiness: Lessons I Learned About Being Happy
Why Being Single is An Opportunity to Grow

 

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Divider what is perfection

What is Perfection is the Self Improvement blog for the imperfect girl everywhere. Learn to find happiness, feel beautiful, and be confident in who you are. We all deserve to be happy, and we all deserve to be the best version of us. And we all are truly capable of getting there. Because Perfection Is Impossible. Happiness isn’t. See The Self Improvement E-Guide Collection For Your Life Coaching Guides to Change Your Life Today!

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