I Really Love Today’s Podcast Episode.

I Really Love Today’s Podcast Episode.

Guys.. this is so much right now. I am obsessing over my interview with Riley Beau Gold on the Imperfection in Me Podcast. It was such a freaking honor to interview him.

If you haven’t listened to it. You need to go check it out.  Riley Beau Gold is the founder of Fearless Humans –  which is just as bad ass as it sounds.  His message is that we are all human first – and the human values and rights that we share cross all genders, sexual identities and what not. I love the openness and the real raw vibe of this interview. Just so honored to share it.

 

CHECK OUT THE PODCAST EPISODE HERE

 

This man is beautiful. And he is amazing.

I am so proud of the podcast.

So of course when I got a  hateful man blowing up my Facebook condemning it, I needed to say something.

WATCH THE VIDEO HERE

Seriously… it pains me the people are so judgmental about other people’s live choices.

We all have to walk our own journey. And we should never discriminate against someone because they are on a different path than we are.

 

 

Happy Valentines Day WIP Followers!

Happy Valentines Day WIP Followers!

It’s Valentines Day! Ahhh I love it. If you’re single and you hate it, don’t worry, we will get to that in a minute. I’m gonna shove Valentines Day loves far down your throat you are going to love it.

Kidding.

But seriously.. these cookies. I Can’t even deal. Omg I am all over the place today!

 

 

This is the first Valentines day I feel excited for in awhile. So much is happening today that is worth celebrating! Matt has some surprise for me (which is fun of course) and I also have an amazing work schedule today, with a fun amazing podcast episode I am recording with Ruby Fremon! So excited to have her on the Imperfection in Me Podcast! (stay tuned for more details on that next week!)

Okay. So yes. I have a lot to celebrate. But I also have a lot I want to share. Today I thought I would take some time to really list the 14 most valuable lessons on love and how to have the happiest relationship life possible. These 14 lessons have guided me through my love life and got me to where I am today. And I am so excited to share. Okay. here we go!

1- Love you’re relationship, but always love yourself more.

2-If honesty and trust do not exist, there is no love.

3- a healthy relationship partner loves you for all that you are and all that you aren’t. He doesn’t try to change you and he doesn’t try to make you feel bad about being different.

4-respect is the fundamental basis of all happy healthy relationships. If you have no respect, you have no healthy relationship.

5-communiciation is more important than anything – even more important than good sex.

6-Your partner will never give you what you need unless you are trying to figure out how to give it to yourself first.

7-It isn’t “crisis situations” that damage relationships  – it’s how you handle those situations. And a relationship can get through anything if the right people communicate the right way.

8-Forgiveness is not just saying “I forgive you.” Forgiveness is a two way street. Both people need to work on healing through whatever it is.

9-You will never find true love unless you find true love within yourself.

10- Your partner is not your other half. Your partner is like the delicious cheese cake after dinner. You are a complete dish on your own.

11- Being real and raw in your relationship is the only way. And if you can’t feel comfortable being real and raw, you have a problem.

12- Love should exist when you are apart and when you are together. But being apart is important.

13- 90 percent of arguments should be respectful and have a positive outcome. If they don’t -somethings up.

14- love yourself first. Always love yourself.

xoxo

 

The Truth About My Relationship with Matt.

The Truth About My Relationship with Matt.

I woke up in the middle of the night to write this post: let it be known.

So now you are reading this – congratulations – kidding. Because there are probably a lot of spelling errors and things that make no sense (backwards apology.)

I had this random urge to write this post, and I am running with it.

The Real Truth about my relationship with Matt.

haha. Caught your attention there didn’t I?

Well as always, it’s Unfiltered Friday Real Deal Time! Let’s jump in, shall we?

 

You know, I get asked a lot of questions about this: So many people want to know more about my relationship with Matt, and I always kind of feel surprised by that. Maybe because I put so much of myself out there on the blog and in the podcast,  that it actually somehow inadvertently makes people really curious about the man I share my life with.

But for the record, I never intentionally hold back the deets. I never choose not to share something about my relationship on the blog. And Matt has never asked me to hide the truth or not mention something about our relationship.

And I freaking love him so much for that.

I guess there are a lot of things that I just forget to talk about. Things that, after a few years of dating, have just become normal. But for along time, a healthy relationship was a foreign concept to me. I had no clue how to do it or whether or not a healthy relationship was even a real thing – since so many of my relationships in the past had been so destructive.

Matt had a really unhealthy relationship in his past too. And so we both needed to learn how to let go of our old habits and insecurities.

He is perfect for me.

Let me just be clear: Matt is not some magical unicorn with a penis. He is just a regular normal guy who I love. A whole freaking lot.

He has his imperfections too.

-He sings off key, and I think it is adorable.

-He makes pasta sometimes really late at night and will melt a stick of butter and then leave half of it in the bottom of an empty bowl in the sink instead of throwing it in the dishwasher and I want to yell at him every single time.

-And he has a really hard time remembering my birthday.

He is also sometimes too apathetic, disconnected, and robotic.

But I love all of him. And that’s why it works. Because he loves all of me too.

Like that sexy John Legend song that makes you want to cry and make a baby at the same time.

-Weird.

But seriously. We accept each other whole heartedly. And it’s fucking beautiful.

Matt has never told me I can’t do something. He has never discouraged me from pursuing anything that I was passionate about. He has never told me, “that’s stupid” or “what a bad idea,” about something. (except maybe that time I wanted to try moving the furniture around the apartment in a really really crazy way that I see now made absolutely no sense.)

He lets me figure out my shit on my own.

He let’s me be me. In all my weirdness. And he loves me for it. So I love him back the same exact way.

He never tells me “yeah right,” when I come home for the 20th time telling him I am going to do something that I haven’t ever in my life done. And he say’s “that’s great babe I’m proud of you,” when I tell him something I have accomplished.

But….

-He doesn’t cuddle me when I tell him I don’t feel good.

-He gives the most pathetic back rubs.

-One time I was walking through a parking lot with him and he didn’t try to protect me when I almost got hit by a car.

-He doesn’t compliment my looks as often as I’d like (and yes I usually have to ask “How do I look?”)

-And he only expresses himself emotionally when he feels naturally compelled too. (which isn’t really a lot.)

And in the beginning of our relationship, I used to think I needed those things from him and it drove me nuts.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

I don’t need pretend love. I need real love.

Matt knows what’s bull shit – and he doesn’t feel like he needs to put it into our relationship. And truthfully, I respect that.

When he cuddles me it feels real. When he compliments me it always makes me feel good, and when he expresses himself emotionally I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

And those things do not happen as often as I’d like – sure. But I like that I am always hungry for it. Because it makes the organic moments special and real for me.

I don’t need to be complimented 24/7 because I actually feel good about myself. I don’t need cuddles every time I feel sick (even though I want them)  because I am in fact a strong woman – and I don’t want that to change. And I have come to learn that sometimes affection, when reserved for special moments, actually makes it more meaningful and memorable.

But that’s just me. We all need different things.

The point here is this: A healthy relationship is not just about getting what you want when you want it. It’s about understanding and embracing the balance between what you need vs. what brings you joy. Like having your vegetables before your ice-cream after dinner.

OMG that sounds so lame. But seriously…

A healthy relationship is about growth – and enjoyment. At the same time.

And a healthy relationship was something I never thought was possible for me. After years of horrible relationships I just felt like it was never in the cards. And now I have it.

And no one should ever feel like they have to settle for anything less.

In case you are wondering about Matt’s past relationships – let’s just say those weren’t so easy either.

We both needed to learn some hard lessons, change our ways and create a new lifestyle for ourselves when we started dating. (letting go of the past is really important.)

 

 

But here’s the truth about my relationship with Matt:

He loves me for all my imperfections. And he has his too.

And we don’t try to hide them for each other.

He never makes me feel less than him.

He is always “in tune” with me and can recognize when my emotions are off or something is going on.

He never tells me what to do or how to do it. And he always encourages me.

He is always honest when I ask him a question about myself – and somehow he can speak the truth in a way that doesn’t make me feel insulted.

This is love. This is life. This is my life. And  this is what I am truly grateful for. It isn’t the passion we share that’s unique. This isn’t some magic carpet ride fairytale love story.. It is a deep and abiding adoration for one another that is always respectful and always growing.

You know… I woke up thinking that this post was important to get out. And I am so grateful I am writing it.

Listening to my gut is never the wrong decision

I love you Matt.

xoxox

IS IT LOVE OR AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?

IS IT LOVE OR AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?

I’m going to make this simple today. Because for a topic that is so super complicated, being clear and to the point is really important here.

As a Relationship Recovery expert I see a lot of girls struggling to recognize when their relationships are really bad for them.

And I totally get it.

I’ve been there too.

I run a whole group dedicated to helping girls like this (join the community here if you haven’t already.)

We don’t always go into a relationship with low self worth, am I right? But when we find ourselves in an abusive relationship – we slowly start to feel “less than.” Know what I’m talking about? Good. Okay. Here’s a little check list I want you to go through today. Use this list to start figuring out if you’re romantic life is really just an abusive relationship in sheep’s clothing. Get it? okay. Here we go ladies:

 

Top Warning Signs that You are in an Abusive Relationship

lyellowline

 

He is constantly making you feel “less than” good about yourself.

If you are struggling to feel good about yourself on a regular basis, it’s probably not your fault. Nine times out of ten, when we find ourselves in an abusive relationship, we often feel crummy about ourselves too. It is really easy to let the quality of your relationship dictate how you feel about yourself. And if you are feeling less than or not good enough, then maybe it’s time to start asking yourself if your abusive relationship bears those qualities too.

He has you questioning your own loyalty, morals, or values.

I have yet to see a client that is a bad person or heartless partner. Yet, so many of my clients come to me feeling like they are! They actually start believing that maybe they aren’t worth anything better. Here’s why: an abusive relationship causes you to feel that way. Being in an abusive relationship plays tricks on your mind. Because if your partner is constantly being source of aggression, it wouldn’t surprise me if you fall down to his level every once and a while to defend yourself. Is he yelling at you all the time so on a few occasions you yelled back too? Or maybe he called you names and one day you suddenly snapped and called him a jerk face too (or probably something worse.) We try to defend ourselves by speaking the language our partners speak… and if that way of living isn’t in line with our morals, values, or beliefs, well… then we start feeling like we aren’t very good people. (and maybe we deserve this unhealthy mistreatment.) News flash: You are NOT to blame for your situation. And if your abusive relationship has you doubting how kind hearted or good you are, it is a big no no warning sign to walk away.

When you try to work on things and talk, it always turns into an argument.

Ineffective communication is a big red flag. It comes with the territory of being in an abusive relationship, unfortunately. When partners don’t communicate properly, it can really wear you down and start making you feel insignificant. I’ll give you an example: a client of mine was so deeply frustrated in her unhealthy relationship. She kept trying to communicate what she needed and wanted, but it always turned into an argument. She could never tell her partner how she felt without him yelling and screaming back. What happened? Well..she started to believe something was wrong with HER. She started questioning herself – “Why can’t I get my message across clearly?” “What’s wrong with me that he just doesn’t understand.” ….. If this is you.. just know – the problem is not on your side. It’s time to walk away.

You often feel like you want more than what you are getting in the relationship.

Let’s play off that example I just gave for a minute. That client of mine was trying to tell her partner that she needed certain things from him. And he wasn’t reciprocating. A loving healthy relationship should have healthy communication and sense of respect. Check out my post on How to Communicate if you need more help on this. But basically, what I’m saying here is that if you are in need of something, a healthy happy relationship partner should be able to work on giving that to you. If he doesn’t – well then bye bye!

You have lost a lot of your friends and feel very alone.

I’ll keep this one short. When we are in an abusive relationship, our partners may push us away from the people we love. It isn’t because we don’t love them – it’s because we are scared of losing our partner if we don’t distance ourselves. It’s a survival mechanism. And if you’re at a point where you feel like you are alone or without the friends you once had, it’s time to walk away.

OTHER WARNING SIGNS: 

The things that are important to you seem way less important to him.

You feel like a different person than you once were before the relationship.

You cry and yell more than you laugh and love.

You feel scared to talk or bring up certain things.

You changed your personality in the relationship

IF THIS IS YOU: START HERE

self improvement courses what is perfection

bluelineswhatisperfection

 

 

How We Turn a Disaster into a Loving Moment

How We Turn a Disaster into a Loving Moment

I have to be honest… I sometimes don’t appreciate my relationship for the amazing thing that it is. I mean… I always feel grateful to have Matt, but there are times where  I just sort of forget how wonderful we are together. Until a disaster happens.

haha. What? Sounds crazy right?

Yup. We are the BEST at handling insanity.

This weekend we were hit with some really bad news. It started with a toilet… and a bathtub – and a lot of gross icky water that just decided it didn’t want to leave the house. Yeah… total clog in the pipes. Let me rewind a minute.

We’ve been spending all this time getting excited about decorating our special fireplace room (I wrote about last week in this post) and we’ve been getting super excited about buying a beautiful couch for the space and brainstorming the home decor we want to buy. So just as we are finishing up our project repainting the room, and we’re having all these day dreaming exciting feel good vibes, when suddenly we are hit with a big big expense: time t fix a crushed water pipe.

 

Matt instantly felt stressed. And overwhelmed. And really sad. And I thought to myself, “Is this the end of the honeymoon home owner phase?”

Nope. We rocked it. Totally rocked it. What was total disaster turned into an amazing moment where I felt so loved and appreciated by my man and was able to help pull him out of that crazy funk in no time. And just like that – we were happy again.

And today I’m talking about it. (Sorry Matt.)

How to Fight off the Stress in a Relationship And Start Feeling the Love Instead

Let’s face it. All relationships have tough times. No matter how close to perfect a relationship is, there are times when life throws us a curve ball and we need to handle the stress together with our partner as a team. Not every stressful moment needs to end in screams and crying and door slamming. In fact – I don’t actually think Matt and I have had a fight like that in years.

Recognize The problem is neither one of you.

If it’s a situation where “it is what it is,”  the last thing you want to do is start blaming each other. In my old relationships – when something unexpected happened – financial expenses, random unexpected car repairs, even death in the family (yes we fought then too) we would constantly take our stress out on one another. This is why that relationship is my “past relationship.” When stressful times came, we were quick to point the finger at one another just to feel better about our anxiety. When it comes to a stressful situation where both partners feel anxiety and pressure from a third party experience (Something happening outside the relationship – aka money problems, unexpected craziness, and life challenges) The last thing you want to do is stop working as a team. Because seriously – turning on each other doesn’t accomplish anything. Recognizing that the situation is something you are both feeling overwhelmed about is a great first step. Realizing no one is to blame is even better.

Identify your partners needs (even if they are different than yours.) 

A while back, when Matt and I started dating, we talked about this. “When you are stressed out, do you want me to be there for you to talk to? Or do you want me to walk away?” I am the type of person that needs that direct connection and shoulder to cry on when things go wrong. Matt isn’t. He needs space. So when things went wrong this weekend and I started seeing him get frustrated,  I walked over to him and told him. “I will be upstairs if you need anything. I’m not ignoring you, I am just giving you space.” I knew that was what he needed. And he came to me when he was ready.

This goes back to the Love Languages and the importance of understanding your partner’s needs. Just because you are together and love each other and connect well, does not necessarily mean that you need the same things in times of stress.

Pick your role: One person is the rescuer and one person is the one who needs saving. 

Every stressful situation between me and Matt is unique. There are times where Matt won’t see something as big deal and I’m the one freaking out. There are times when the roles are reversed. And then there are times where we are BOTH stressed out and BOTH longing to have a rock to support us. No matter what the situation, you need to identify who is going to be the guiding voice of calmness during stress (there needs to be one of you.) Here’s how I usually decide who is who: If my emotions are way too strong to handle – I am the one who needs to rely on Matt. But if I can be optimistic about something and really see that things “aren’t so bad,” I harness that energy and decide that I’m going to be the one pulling us out of our emotional hard place. Deciding what your role is going to be makes a huge difference.

Be the cool super hero you know your partner needs (not the one you want to be.) 

When you decide that you are the one who  is going to lead you out of the tough time, you need to do it in a way that your partner understands. The best analogy I can give for this is like trying to make a baby laugh and doing a bunch of different things to see what works. When Matt is stressed, I try my best to do the things I know he needs: be logical, make jokes, and act carefree. If he did those things with me when I am sad or stressed I would probably punch him in the face.. That is not the super hero attitude I need when I am having tough time. But that’s what works for Him and that is what he needs. Finding out what makes your partners stress and worry goes away is the key to being that amazing rock of support when he needs it. And the same goes for you – when you are stressed – he needs to be that super hero you know and trust.

So What happened after our stressful situation? 

I never really sat down and wrote out these steps until now… But I realize how important they are to being a great partner and working as a team. The minute the stress melted away Matt gave me the biggest hug and told me how great I was – how much he needed that support and how well we work together.

Damn straight we are.

Calm down.. we aren’t super special… we just follow these steps really well!

xoxox