Being a People Pleaser Kills Your Soul.

Being a People Pleaser Kills Your Soul.

My little adorable cute puppy Zoey has always been a people pleaser. She gets happy when I’m happy. She gets sad when I’m sad. She is constantly feeding off my energy vibes and just always there for me. And oh em gee is she the cutest. Yeah.. dogs are usually people pleasers.

My little companion is so adorable. But her people pleasing nature got me thinking about something today…. how many of us live life like that? Trying to make other people happy all the time?

People shouldn’t live their lives for the sole purpose of making other people happy. They should live their lives being happy for themselves! And no it isn’t selfish. It’s something you DESERVE.

I used to be the girl who was constantly living my life for other people. I was always looking for love, trying to be accepted, and receive approval from others.

It nearly killed me.

When I look back on that life, it kind of makes me sad. I spent so much time trying to do things that made other people happy that I spent so little time actually living for myself.  It was a crazy messed up people pleaser mentality that really prevented me from being happy.

My days as a people pleaser are long gone. And a lot of that has to do with the fact that I grew some serious self confidence. Having a strong sense of self-worth and being totally inline with who you are is a really powerful personality trait. It was for me. Because when I started to grow my sense of self love, being true to myself came naturally. It was just easier to do.

But before that? Man oh man it was hard. Okay.. Cute puppy happiness.

_mg_6954

 

AHHHHHH! Okay.. Back to the topic. People Pleasers and Happiness. 

Here are some things you need to know: 

People Pleasers have a hard time being themselves.

Imagine a world where you lived for others. Constantly making decisions for your life based on what you thought would make other people happy, or proud of you. Is that your world now? I hope it isn’t. Because it is a horrible way to live. How can you possibly make choices for your life when you worry so much about what other people want or need from you.

People Pleasers often attract really bad people.

Because when you live your life trying to constantly please other people – the only type of people you attract are TAKERS. People who want to get as much as they can from you giving as little as possible back in return. Ever heard the expression “your vibe attracts your tribe?” It’s

People Pleasers have a distorted view of happiness.

Can’t be happy unless other people are happy? Struggling to feel proud of yourself if no one is there patting you on the back? This isn’t life. this isn’t happiness. This is struggle.

I want you to check out this post on How to Stop Caring What Other People Think (there’s a free worksheet in there for you) 

how to stop caring what others think what is perfection worksheet free guide

laurensignaturewhatisperfection

 

 

What My Parents Taught Me About Being An Adult This Year.

What My Parents Taught Me About Being An Adult This Year.

Mother knows best. At least that’s what she taught me right? I remember when I was growing up and wanting to be an adult,  I always felt this overwhelming pressure to do right by my mom and dad. I’m sure many of you did. Not saying I always did what mom knows to be best, in fact, I almost never abided by the rules growing up. – I was far from the perfect child. But even when I made those “bad decisions,”  I was always asking myself, “How would mom and dad feel about this?” Even if it was something as simple as sneaking an extra cookie before dinner time. Or not so simple – like the time I decided to pierce my ears a second time in my bedroom.  No matter what I was always thinking about how my actions would be perceived by my parents: whether they would be proud or disappointed in my choices and if my choices would ultimately have some sort of consequences. Usually they were disappointed.. and usually there were consequences.

To my parents, I was the kid who grew up making all the wrong choices. And when I got older, I tried my best to break the habit and start adding more to my “Good daughter” Resume. But trying to fulfill my parents expectations as an adult was a way different experience than when I was a kid. There were times in the last few years that I made choices and decisions because I was so afraid of trusting my gut. And still afraid of disappointing my parents. Yes, even as an adult I was thinking these things. If it meant doing something that my parents wouldn’t do or didn’t approve of, did that mean that I still shouldn’t do it? Even if it felt right to me and for my own life?

beinganadult

The Big Adult-hood Ah-Ha Moment

I’ve been an adult for a few years now… I mean, I am 27 after all, and I have made some pretty adult decisions since I’ve passed through my teenage years. I do my taxes by myself. I built a substantial 401k in my time at CBS, and I make sure to pay all of my bills on time. I make my own decisions about what I do from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed and I do my chores regularly (not because someone is nagging me to, but because it makes me feel good to have a clean home.) There was no “ah-ha moment” when I became an adult. It wasn’t like suddenly I woke up one morning and the world awarded me some adult-hood certification or diploma or anything. It was something that just happened with time over time. And just like anything, you get good at it with practice and more experience.

But there was a lightbulb “ah-ha” moment for me that was more significant and life changing than actually becoming an adult.  It was the moment I realized that what my parents had taught me about being an adult was totally and completely wrong.  And it didn’t happen the moment I turned 21 or the year I reached 25. It happened this year, out of the blue, and in the most unexpected way.

Being a Kid and Having Perfect Parents

My parents did everything they could to teach me how to make the best decisions in life. Unfortunately, the way they taught me left me with this long term overwhelming feeling that their way of being a grown up was “the only way to be a grown up,” and if I wasn’t doing it their way, I was failing. I am sure many of you have felt like that in your life. There are moments where even as an adult we are left feeling like we are that little kid trying to make mom and dad proud. And sometimes that isn’t such a good thing: It keeps us from actually being ourselves and living our own life the way we truly want to. My parents are wonderful people, but for years they instilled this crazy perfectionism mindset in me that had me believing they were two perfect human beings… and because of that I lived much of my life trying to fill their shoes.

My parents never admitted to making mistakes when I was growing up. They never told me about the times they screwed up or the times they failed in life. Maybe that’s because they never wanted me to feel like their bad decisions were acceptable, or maybe that’s because they wanted to keep me sheltered from the idea that life can be hard or tough at times. But whatever the reason, it didn’t translate with me. All that translated was that my parents had terribly high expectations for me and I had to try to be the best I could be for them.

Letting Go of My Parent’s Expectations

This year was the year of my big ah-ha moment breakthrough. The details of this moment are still being kept private out of respect of my parents. But in that ah-ha moment, my mom and dad sat my sisters and me down to have a serious talk about something going on in their lives and how it would effect our family dynamic.

This has never in my life happened before. Never have we had a “family meeting” of sorts. It was a strange and totally out of the ordinary thing to take place in my house – partly because we all live away from home now, but mostly because my parents never opened up to us publicly about anything going on in their relationship as our parents. This was the moment where they got real honest with us for the first time. The moment that completely changed what it meant to be an adult for me. It was the moment I saw my parents as normal  people and not two unattainably-perfect adults.

If your parents have never been vulnerable and open with you about the times they have failed or the times they have made bad decisions – it isn’t because they are being cold or closed off to you. It isn’t because they are perfect. And it isn’t because they don’t love you. It is just  because they don’t know better. Seeing my parents let down their guard and share something difficult about their own “adult life” was one of the most loving experiences I have ever seen.  And I wish it happened sooner. It showed me that all these years I was trying to make decisions to please two people who were probably trying just as hard to make good decisions in their own lives too.

 

My Parents and Perfection

In that moment, I suddenly realized that the decisions I make as an adult are my own. They are no one else’s, and I have no one to answer to. If someone doesn’t approve or support a choice I make for my life, it isn’t my problem. Being an adult doesn’t mean having it together every minute of every day. Being vulnerable is part of life, and it is an opportunity just to feel more love.

My parents are not perfect people. And knowing that, and seeing that, made it clear to me that I don’t ever have to try to be either. I no longer need to live my life pleasing others. I no longer need to seek out approval from adults who taught me how to be an adult. Thank you for teaching me as best you could, but I’ll take the reigns from here and continue to keep learning. Love and Approval are two totally different things, and when we get older, we need to learn how to separate the two, more so than when we are younger. Being so focused on getting our parents approval only means we are insecure with the love they have for us. Because the truth is no matter what, my parents will love me no matter what decisions I make in my life. And I don’t need their approval to feel that love.

So…. Being an Adult

Being an adult is hard. It is never perfect. It is certainly full of unexpected twists and turns and opportunities to push yourself to be better than you were yesterday. But it’s more than just about paying your taxes on time and washing your laundry properly. It’s about being free to uniquely design the life you love and the life that suits you best. Not the life that suits your mom or dad, the life that suits you.

 

Lauren Signature
Image for End of Posts Perfection Program

Sign up for Your Free Life Coach Guide! Find Confidence, Feel Beautiful and Transform your Happiness step by step. Make an Amazing Change for Your Life. I'll give you the tools to make it happen!

learnmoreabouttheprogram

Divider what is perfection

What is Perfection is the Self Improvement blog for the imperfect girl everywhere. Learn to find happiness, feel beautiful, and be confident in who you are. We all deserve to be happy, and we all deserve to be the best version of us. And we all are truly capable of getting there. Because Perfection Is Impossible. Happiness isn’t. See The Self Improvement E-Guide Collection For Your Life Coaching Guides to Change Your Life Today!

Divider what is perfection

Relationship Problems: Not Getting What You Need.

Relationship Problems: Not Getting What You Need.

Relationship Problems — no matter how wonderful your relationship is — HAPPEN. They happen to everyone. There are rough obstacles and challenges in every relationship. Let’s face it… even the best of couples have difficult moments they need to work through. The key though.. is how you work through them.

Knowing all about unhealthy relationship habits from my past partners — I can truly appreciate the solid communication I have with Matt — the guy I am with now. Sure we enjoy each other’s company and love each other very much.. and that is really awesome. But our best quality — I think — is how we communicate whenever their is a problem or obstacle in our way. And trust me.. we have had a quite a few hurdles – normal relationship problems – that we needed to overcome.

how-to-get-more-of-what-you-need-in-your-relationship

There were a lot of things we needed to work on when we first started dating… and then again we moved in together, we had a few more challenges. There were conflicts between us.. like every normal couple.. problems we needed to address – Like how when we moved in together, I felt I was doing all the chores ….or how I didn’t feel like he was being as affectionate or loving with me as I wanted him to be…(you can read all about that in our post about showing love and getting love.)

Then there were times that He needed certain things from the relationship and wasn’t getting them…. like how he felt he didn’t have enough of his own time to himself after we moved in.  (See my post: Doing What Makes You Happy Even When You’re In a Relationship)

Or how he felt I was too critical or judgmental of him when things went wrong because I was treating him as if he were my X who I didn’t trust.  (letting go of my past relationships   was a big thing for me.)

or.. The biggest conflict of all…. the one that almost broke us up.. which I’m sure I will post about at some point….but not today.

The point is we have had a fair amount of relationship problems… moments when one of us felt like we weren’t getting what we needed or wanted out of the relationship…. and we needed to address our concerns… Those moments could have broke us had we not handled them correctly.. but they actually made us stronger! Our ability to communicate in a clear way without disrespecting each other is really the quality of our relationship that I appreciate the most. We are truly always smiling.. even when things are difficult.

http://https://whatisperfection.com/showing-love-and-getting-love-the-language/

 

 

Relationship Problems – When You Aren’t Getting What You Need

Here are some common relationship problems I hear from my close friends on the regular.

1.My guy doesn’t make an effort to spend time with me.
2.All he wants to do is watch tv all the time and he doesn’t pay any attention to me.
3.He’s flaky. He doesn’t call when he says he will or he shows up late all the time.
4.We live together, but he doesn’t contribute to the house hold chores… I feel like I am doing most of the work.
5.I talk to him and I feel like he is not listening to me. Or that he doesn’t care about what I am saying.

relationship problems not getting what you need what is perfection

How To Fix Your Relationship Problems in a Way that Isn’t Destructive

Telling Your Guy He Needs to Change his Ways Without Causing an Argument

All of these Relationship problems seem small… but sometimes, handling them the wrong way can make them turn into a total disaster for your relationship. Here’s how we do it.

GET RID OF THE BLAME: One of the biggest mistakes I have seen people make (and I have made too in the past) is blaming my partner for all the unhappiness I am feeling in the relationship at that moment. No matter what habit needs to be pointed out or acknowledged, placing the blame on the guy 100 percent is NEVER the solution. Even if it is something you didn’t cause or control, “you do this” or “you do that” conversations can really belittle your partner. “I hate it when you do…” is a REALLY bad way to fix any problem. When having a conversation about a relationship problem, your choice of words really does matter. Instead of saying “you NEVER call me when you say you will,” … why not try something like, “You know, I just have a lot going on right now and my schedule is really busy… and I feel really disappointed when I make time to talk to you and it doesn’t happen. …. I miss taking to you.  I think we need to try and find a better way to communicate. Maybe we should try picking a different time, or a different way to talk.” Get the point?

MAKE IT CLEAR WHY IT IS A PROBLEM AND HOW IT IS AFFECTION YOU (REMEMBER – WITHOUT BLAME): Addressing the relationship problem without acknowledging your emotions behind the issue is a big mistake. Without telling your guy how it makes you feel, you are never going to get your partner to see the importance of changing his ways. “It makes me feel unloved,” or “it makes me feel less appreciated,” are some key phrases I have used in the past. I don’t cry. I don’t yell. I stay calm and express my feelings in a clear and recognizable way so that he realizes how his actions are effecting our relationship… and doesn’t think I am just complaining about nothing.

ASK WHY IT IS HAPPENING: Instead of just acknowledging a problem… try to figure out WHY that problem exists. And figuring it out together is a great way to brainstorm the relationship problem and all the ways you can fix it. Why is it that we aren’t spending as much time together as I need? Rather than “You don’t spend enough time with me,” is a great way to come up with a solution, rather than just making an open ended insulting statement about how you feel. And this way… the relationship problem has a shot at being solved!

COME UP WTH WAYS YOU CAN HELP:  I hate it when I hear girls tell me about all the things they need their guys to do… they feel out of control of the situation,  but they don’t come up with any solution that allows them to TAKE control. NO guy should ever be the one bearing the responsibility of changing the relationship… it should be THE BOTH of you working together to improve it. There was a time where I felt like Matt wasn’t listening to me when he came home… and would just watch TV. Once we talked about why that was happening, I discovered that after a long stressful drive home, he really just needed to relax for a half hour or so and have time to decompress. Getting that explanation from him really reassured me that it wasn’t anything I was doing that made him uninterested… but I could HELP the situation too… Now, when I have certain things I want to talk to him about when he gets home from work, I am sure to give him a few moments to relax first.

http://https://whatisperfection.com/showing-love-and-getting-love-the-language/

When The Relationship Problems Turn Into Deal Breakers

This has happened to me before. Relationship problems can sometimes turn into the thing that makes you call it quits. You remember my post about the last unhealthy relationship I ever had? Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t get a guy to change his ways. And that’s a really difficult thing to face. Have you been having the same conversation over and over again about an issue that just doesn’t seem to correct itself? By definition, that’s insanity. “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” You can never CHANGE people… If your relationship problems are really troubling, And if your guy is really attached to the habit that you for some reason cannot handle… it is time to walk away. Don’t drive yourself insane trying to fix something with someone who doesn’t really care. When do you know when it’s time to walk away? That is different for everyone. Just follow your heart and do what you feel is right. You should never be compromising your values and what you feel is important in a relationship. Compromise with your partner to find solutions… but don’t ever compromise what you need from a true loving relationship.

The internal fight you will have with yourself trying to not care about something you truly care about is way worse than any relationship fight you could ever have.

 

Like this post on relationship problems and how to work through them? Check out the others I mentioned through this story:

The Different Ways of Showing Love and Getting Love – Learning to Speak Your Guy’s Language

Putting Yourself Before Your Relationships and Doing More Of What Makes You Happy

How to Let Go Of Past Relationships to Have a Healthy New One
Lauren Signature
Image for End of Posts Perfection Program

Sign up for Your Free Life Coach Guide! Find Confidence, Feel Beautiful and Transform your Happiness step by step. Make an Amazing Change for Your Life. I'll give you the tools to make it happen!

learnmoreabouttheprogram

Divider what is perfection

What is Perfection is the Self Improvement blog for the imperfect girl everywhere. Learn to find happiness, feel beautiful, and be confident in who you are. We all deserve to be happy, and we all deserve to be the best version of us. And we all are truly capable of getting there. Because Perfection Is Impossible. Happiness isn’t. See The Self Improvement E-Guide Collection For Your Life Coaching Guides to Change Your Life Today!

Divider what is perfection

Feeling and Showing Love – Knowing the Language of Romance

Feeling and Showing Love – Knowing the Language of Romance

The Language of Love: It is different for everyone. The ways we are accustom to feeling love and showing love are different for everyone. And that’s what makes romance and love so exciting! We all have different and creative ways of expressing how we feel about the people we are about…  but the fact that we all have a different understanding of what we recognize as “Showing Love” can make relationships complicated too.

betterrelationship

I was reading up on this when Matt and I first started getting serious. Never having healthy relationship in the past, I really wanted to break the bad habits I adapted over the years. One of them: Never feeling like I was being loved enough.

It was really hard for me to admit, but I had a serious habit of always needing more than I was getting. It was clear to me in the beginning that I had found something special with him… but I still found myself looking for more out of the relationship than I was getting.. I wasn’t being loved enough in a way that I understood. I kept telling him I need him to be more affectionate, or more tentative to my emotional needs.. and it became incredibly frustrating to him…. and definitely put some unwanted pressure on our relationship.

When I realized I was hearing things from this great guy that I heard in the past,things like, “I don’t know what you want exactly,” or “I can’t seem to give you what you are looking for,” and then the ever painful, “nothing is enough,” I had to take step back and ask myself WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING HERE? WHAT’S GOING ON?

And that’s when I started learning about Love Language….. “Showing Love and Getting Love,”

do more of what makes you happy what is perfection showing love and getting love

What is the Language of Love

Psychologist experts say there are 5 Languages we all speak when it comes to expressing ourselves. Some people show love with words, other people show love with actions, some of us… like me and Matt, sort of fall under a few of these categories. Our ways of showing love are really quite different… and at the same time… our ways of seeing the other is showing love to US are different too!

 

showing love and getting love

Showing Love and Getting Love: The Test

If you are having this problem with your relationship where you feel like you are missing something that you aren’t getting, it’s probably because what YOU recognize as love is probably not what your partner feels is his or her way of expressing it! Don’t believe me? Well..  We wrote it out to show you.

showing love and getting love what is perfection

I asked Matt to help me with this  exercise to show you guys how important the language of love is. We each took a few minutes to write out the Five ways we made efforts to show each other that we LOVE each other… These were the ways that we felt we were showing love to our partner. We each had different ways that we felt were expressive of our feelings.  Writing this out and seeing how different our ways of expressing love were… it gives you a clearer picture that our actions are so different.

After that, we wrote up our lists of how we FELT the most loved.. Again… These were the moments we could think of where we felt we really BEING loved by the other.

showing love and getting love what is perfection

Again… look how different these are! And now, for the big test in Showing Love and Getting Love, we took these lists a step further… putting them side by side And BOY was that something.

showing love and getting love what is perfection showing love and getting love what is perfection

Look at how crazy different these lists are! For me, I feel the most loved when he tries to be intimate and expresses how he feels with his words… but on his list of TOP WAYS he shows love, those things aren’t even on the list!  And how about his wants vs what I am providing.. I am constantly trying to express myself with words, but for him – he feels the most loved mainly by my actions – how I laugh or smile, or when I cook for him. It is crazy to see such a difference between our ways of showing love vs getting love.

I hope sharing all of this with you really helps you in your own relationship life. It is really important to recognize that each of us have our own needs and desires when it comes to our love language.. we all want different ways of showing love, and we all have different ways of recognizing that we are being loved!

This exercise is a great tool to help you widen your language and help you realize what it is your partner needs.

And a special  thanks to my awesome guy for taking the time to write this out for me so I can share it with all of you! Again… one of his ways of showing love is by participating in my hobbies….  And he DID! Thanks for showing me love Matt!

showing love and getting love what is perfection

Match.com

See… he’s happy. Showing Love SUCCESS!

 

 

Lauren Signature
Image for End of Posts Perfection Program

Sign up for Your Free Life Coach Guide! Find Confidence, Feel Beautiful and Transform your Happiness step by step. Make an Amazing Change for Your Life. I'll give you the tools to make it happen!

learnmoreabouttheprogram

Divider what is perfection

What is Perfection is the Self Improvement blog for the imperfect girl everywhere. Learn to find happiness, feel beautiful, and be confident in who you are. We all deserve to be happy, and we all deserve to be the best version of us. And we all are truly capable of getting there. Because Perfection Is Impossible. Happiness isn’t. See The Self Improvement E-Guide Collection For Your Life Coaching Guides to Change Your Life Today!

Divider what is perfection

Pride in Who You Are – A Story About A Girl Who Learned to Love Herself

Pride in Who You Are – A Story About A Girl Who Learned to Love Herself

Hi All Perfection Readers! Today I am sharing an awesome story today written by my amazing Friend Paige. This is just one of her amazing stories about how she learned to love herself. You should always take pride in who you are…. and Paige’s pride in the LGBT Community is so strong, so amazing, and so inspiring.

Pride in who you are what is perfection

I was 22 when I attended my first NYC Gay Pride parade. My roommate worked for a new Broadway show that needed marchers to giveaway promotions. The whole day seemed to pass away in a blur but I do remember being completely intoxicated by the world. The parade route was miles long and lined with people wearing various rainbow apparel, witty t-shirts and grown men in tutus.

There was something about Pride that made it feel like just a laid back, fun loving celebration of who you were. Gay Pride had gotten it’s roots in celebrating the LGBT community but something changed along the way that made it a more inclusive celebration. Pride had turned into an event where you can come as you are and be whoever you wanted to be. The only requirement was that you were proud of it.

how-to-be-proud-of-who-you-are

Learning to Be Proud of Who I was

I didn’t come out to myself or my family until after my 23rd birthday. My coming out story isn’t an exciting one so I’m not going to bother to share it. I come from a very supportive nonsecular family, I’ve been a tomboy my whole life and never really had a seriously relationship so I got a lot of “I saw this coming. ” and “I sort of always knew that.” people seemed to know I was gay long before I did.

Long before I came out though I had a lot of questions not just about the who I was but how I was supposed to figure that all out. But one thing I was certain, I loved the environment of the LGBT community and I wanted to figure out to to unforgivelingly be myself everyday. Not just on a single Sunday set aside in late June.

Finding Pride: My Life Lesson

Life is a lot like a dance floor. As long as you got the beat and you are confident in your own moves, it’s hard to be a bad dancer. As long as your aren’t harming any of the other dancers around you, there’s nothing wrong with doing your thing out there. We all might have different moves for the same beat but that doesn’t make anyone’s dance better than anyone else’s.

I remember when I first started wondering if I might be gay I started to worry about what my future would be like. I didn’t want to have to spend my life trying to defend my love and happiness to other people and I didn’t want to have to fight for everything that came so easily to other people.

But after I came out and had overwhelming support from most of my friends and all of family being myself came easy. I wasn’t sorry for the person I had become, actually quite the contrary. I’m pretty proud of the person I am.

PaigeSignature

Liked this post? Check out Paige’s other amazing story! “Losing 175 Pounds and Learning to Love Myself.”

 

Lauren Signature
Image for End of Posts Perfection Program

Sign up for Your Free Life Coach Guide! Find Confidence, Feel Beautiful and Transform your Happiness step by step. Make an Amazing Change for Your Life. I'll give you the tools to make it happen!

learnmoreabouttheprogram

Divider what is perfection

What is Perfection is the Self Improvement blog for the imperfect girl everywhere. Learn to find happiness, feel beautiful, and be confident in who you are. We all deserve to be happy, and we all deserve to be the best version of us. And we all are truly capable of getting there. Because Perfection Is Impossible. Happiness isn’t. See The Self Improvement E-Guide Collection For Your Life Coaching Guides to Change Your Life Today!

Divider what is perfection