My Eating Disorder and the Valuable Lesson it Taught Me

My Eating Disorder and the Valuable Lesson it Taught Me

I never had a healthy relationship with food. Growing up in a big Italian family, food was always a center of any occasion. It was something we gathered around, something we joined together over. Something we used to celebrate and to show love. But as joyful as it sounds, growing up with a family that was very close, there was something eating away at my soul and separating me from truly celebrating those moments: My Eating Disorder.


I never really knew I had an eating disorder. I couldn’t tell you how it started, or why it started, but I can tell you the moment I recognized my body as something that was bad and needed to change. I was Seven. Yep… Seven. My friend and I were talking about our new favorite dance classes. I told her I loved my Jazz class, and that Ballet was boring. Offended by my statement, my little seven year old friend told me “Well, you wouldn’t be good at ballet anyway.”

“You have to be able to suck in your stomach,” she said.

I challenged her … showing her I could force in all my breath– sucking in all the air I could muster…. “See! I Can!” I said with a smile. Then she told me what she was trying to say all along. “No. Not like that. I mean… you have to be skinny.”

My Eating Disorder And How it Evolved

Through the years that moment, my body perception haunted me. As I got older, I wasn’t really getting attention from boys like my friends were. I blamed this on my body. And I started to believe that maybe my friend all those years ago was right. After all, I did have a belly… and my mom did tell me to suck in my stomach when she took pictures of me and my sisters. “Maybe my weight is what is holding me back,” I thought.

I wasn’t incredibly heavy, but I wasn’t skinny like most of my friends either. It was kind of like I was in this middle ground… I was on the edge of fitting in somewhere — I just didn’t know where. And like most teenagers who suffer from an eating disorder, I believed that if I gained control of my weight, I would be able to find my place in life. I would get guys to like me. I would feel more confident. I would finally have everything a teenager girl wants: LOVE.

eating disorder what is perfection

So in an effort to want to find love, I started punishing myself. I cut my calories, kept journals to log every crumb of food that touched my mouth…. and every pound I lost or gained. But the extremes of my lifestyle – eating nothing and starving my body only made my weight bounce up and down from one extreme to another…  all the way into college. Gaining and binge eating, Losing and starving, it was like I was on this rollercoaster of extremes with no middle ground.

When I started to date this guy my first year of college, I felt like I was finally in a place where feeling good about myself was possible. I started to believe that maybe my weight didn’t really matter much. But then, our relationship turned ugly… he didn’t treat me right and totally destroyed my self-esteem.. Things got really unhealthy and abusive really fast. And as a result, life got pretty dark for me after that. I got really depressed because of the way I was being treated and my self-esteem totally fell through into the deep end. I felt out of control of my life being in an abusive relationship. So I decided it was time to switch schools and head back home. And as quickly as my eating disorder had left my mind, it entered back again full force.

I felt the lowest self-worth I ever felt… and thinking that there was something wrong with me that I needed to change, the only way I could feel like I had control over my life was by forcing my body to change… in any way possible.

I starved myself. I purged. I did everything in my control to keep food from entering my life. But my eating disorder was controlling me.  I started loosing my hair. I could feel my spine poking through my shirts. And I was cold… all the time.  I dropped to under 109 pounds, losing more than 70 pounds in four months. Sure my mom wasn’t telling me to suck in my stomach anymore…. but now she was telling me I looked like a skeleton. A ghost of my former self. And even then, I felt like it wasn’t enough. I was never going to be as thin or as beautiful as I needed to find the love I was looking for… because the truth is, I was looking in all the wrong places.

Me Eating Disorder What is Perfection

The Road to Recovering from My Eating Disorder

The road to recovery was long. I gained the weight back and learned how to lose it all over again — this time, the healthy way.

The most important lesson I learned was that my body wasn’t the thing I needed to fix in order to feel good: It was my mind that needed the true repairing.

I started educating myself on emotional eating and discovered principles I now teach in my online courses— Learning to let go of my insecurities about being accomplished or “being good enough,” and learning to actually just go after what I wanted for myself… without the fear that I wasn’t worth it. I started going after my goals in a healthier way.  And I uncovered the emotional compass that led me to set goals that were achievable, goals that were confidence boosting, not destructively unhealthy.

And mainly… most importantly….I started treating my body like something that was a reflection of who I wanted to be — not something that was holding me back from being beautiful.

Slowly, I learned to let go of my eating disorder, and let in love.


eating disorder what is perfection

I’ve realized something looking back on those moments where my eating disorder was strongest…

I was fighting to change my body because I believed that the world around me would change if it did.  I thought maybe if I was skinnier I would feel better about who I was by fitting in and getting the attention and love I was seeking. I thought what would follow would be a sense of true beauty that would keep me from ever being harmed or hurt by others.

But why did I think other people were holding the key to my ability to feel good about myself?  Why did I believe changing my body would change the feelings I had toward myself — and my worth? Why couldn’t I just make effort to feel better about who I was in general?

My eating disorder taught me that finding love is about figuring out how to love yourself first. Feeling confident doesn’t come from other people. Feeling beautiful never follows any physical transformation unless you yourself embark on the emotional journey required to get there.

To all the girls out there struggling to find the body they are looking for — the body they think will bring them amazing love, or a larger amount of happiness than they already have…. the key to changing everything, starts within you…. 

Closing the Gap Between Where You Are and Where You Want to Be

Closing the Gap Between Where You Are and Where You Want to Be

Let’s talk about goals. We set them because we want be better for ourselves and for others, right? But sometimes what we want for our future is SO so super far away from our current reality, that it feels almost impossible. And why try if you think you’re going to fail anyway? am I right?

Last night for example, I was talking to my business coach telling him that for the longest time I have been fearful that my vision for my business is “too big for me.”

“What if I’m not good enough to make this dream of mine a reality? What if what I want is actually impossible?”

This, my friend, is called the GAP. The gap between where you are and where you want to be.

Sometimes that big disconnecting space can overwhelm us. I know it definitely overwhelms me at times. I look at my goals for this year and compare them to where I am currently and it feels really scary to think about all the work I have to do to get there!

The truth is it isn’t the goal itself that overwhelms us in life. When we set goals, we set them with a positive mindset – we want something bigger and better for ourselves and we pick it with the idea that eventually, with hard work and dedication, we will get it.


But when we don’t focus enough on our goal, whether it is to get organized, to save money, to manage our time better, or to reach a weight-loss goal, there is a period of time in our process of transformation where we start questioning our mission: “Is this something I can really do? Am I capable of this? I have so much more work to do to get there and I just can’t imagine achieving it compared to where I am now!”Hence – the Gap. The Gap between where you are and where you want to be.

We get stuck in that big ugly gap – that open space of nothingness where we feel like we have made the decision to do something an we haven’t gotten near close to achieving it.

The Goal isn’t the place we give up.. it’s the Gap. The Gap is where we are subjected to fear, doubt, self surrender, and failure. This is the place where we start feeling all of those bad worries associated with our goals. It’s the make or break area of our journey where we have two choices: We can either A- Push forward and overcome that fear, or B-Just simply give up and surrender to the life we used to live.

The whole point of self improvement is about closing that gap. Trying to push yourself forward from where you are now just to get a little bit closer to where you want to be. And the truth is, closing that gap is a process. It takes time, dedication, and long term effort. It isn’t about just focus guys – it is also about being flexible in your approach – analyzing what works for you and changing it along the way of your journey.

So How Do we close the gap between where we are and where we want to be? How do we move forward and reach our goals when we feel lost in the open space of uncertainty and not being good enough?

One step at a time.



How to Close the Gap Between Where You Are and Where You Want to Be

Get Crystal Clear About What You Want: You want to lose weight? That’s great. But don’t just set a number on the scale as your goal. Make your goal diverse. Tell yourself “I want to lose X Amount of pounds,” but keep running with that idea and get more specific. “I want to lose X amount of pounds. I want to feel more confident. I want to make better health conscious decisions about what I eat. I want to completely change my lifestyle so that it is more healthy. I want to have more energy. I want to have that amazing feeling getting dressed in the morning that I can pick anything I want from my closet and it will fit and make me feel sexy!”  How you set your goals is key to whether you succeed or fail. And you need to do it the right way. Which is why I highly recommend my goal setting guide to clients I work with. It’s a huge game changer.

Being Understanding and Kind with Time: Imagine time as a friendly companion and not an enemy. It is really easy to look at the calendar, take out your pen and pencil in a date of achieving something. “I will lose 30 pounds by ______” Or “I will find love by ______” ….. We all know the universe  has bigger plans and unexpected challenges along the way of your journey. Sometimes things get in the way. Sometimes obstacles and detours are just part of the process of learning. When you are angry with time and feel like you haven’t reached a goal based your expectations, its easy to label yourself a failure. Instead, look at time as an irrelevant component to whatever it is you are trying to achieve. Instead of seeing how far away you are based on your deadline, ask yourself this question: “Am I better and more improved in this area of my life since I set this goal and started working towards it?” If the answer is yes, congratulations! You are still in it for the win!

Start Being More Positive About Your Experience: I can’t tell you how many times women who have accomplished so much in terms of their goals start getting down on themselves because they haven’t transformed into this perfect picture of what they wanted in their lives. “I only lost X when I wanted to lose X.” or “I like my stomach but I don’t like my legs.” Or “I only got a B+ on that test when my goal was really an A” or how about the money gap, when you’ve saved X amount of dollars but it wasn’t that exact perfect number you were hoping for. Does that mean you automatically failed? Does that mean you haven’t reached your goal? Absolutely not! It means you are still learning and still growing! When we look at our goals as multi-purpose and multi-dementional in our “Crystal Clear Approach,” we can see that every goal we set for ourselves has a feeling related to it – an emotion we are trying to fulfill or improve. If you can look at where you are now and feel better than when you started, hone in on that positivity and embrace it. In those moments of weakness when you start feeling self doubt about the things you wanted to accomplish, take out a pen and paper and list all the ways you have actually improved and made your life better since you started your journey. It really helps.

When We Fail, We Don’t Fail. We Learn: This is really a key point in the process of closing the gap. When we set goals we need to be clear and focused on what we want, but we need to also understand that our approach may change over time. Our journey may be different than we anticipated when we started this process. We may have to take some off roads, we may have to fall down a few times and get back up. These moments of ‘disruption” along our journey aren’t failure moments – they are learning moments. Any time you feel disconnected from where you want to be and feel as if you have failed, it’s important to look at those situations as moments of enlightenment. “What can I learn from this? How has my mind changed in the process of learning this hard lesson?” Learning moments are the moments that make us stronger and better. Not to mention, they really help us appreciate our goals once we achieve them.

Keep Growing and Keep Improving:  I mentioned this in a  post about Ask and It is Given, the Book I read last  summer, and it is so important to understand. Our Goals are going to change … constantly. We are always asking for more, always expecting more and always wanting to improve ourselves. And that is a Perfect and wonderful thing…. except when you don’t do it. If you think that once you reach a goal for your health you give up on it, you will never feel fulfilled. If you believe that your journey is over once you reach your goal number in your savings account, you’ll go out the next day and spend it all. Keep setting bigger goals and keep moving up the ladder. Overtime you will transform into an amazing wonderful human who is full of so much amazing potential.

Divider what is perfection



How to Stop Feeling Gross, and Start Feeling Healthy.

How to Stop Feeling Gross, and Start Feeling Healthy.

I’m about to get so real and honest with you guys.

Being overweight – when you know you’ve been thin before – sucks.

It is a shitty feeling that hurts more than that big belly ache you get after finishing a box of donuts….. not like I’ve been there or anything.

But seriously…. there is a really big reason that women try to lose weight that makes us different than men – we have such a super strong emotional connection to our bodies, that taking care of them is not just about appearance.. It’s about how it makes you feel.

And if you’re like I was 60 pounds ago – yes… Feeling stuck in your body when it isn’t the body you want for yourself can feel pretty horrible.

So let’s talk about it shall we?

Why is losing weight so important to us women? The real blunt truth about body image: 

-Sex is always better when you feel good about your body.

-Getting dressed in the morning is so much better when you don’t have to try on 15 million things to figure out what fits.

-Feeling fat sucks when you take pictures with friends and need to over analyze how your chins look in every single photo.

-Being present is so much easier when you like the body you are in.

-Connecting, loving and expressing yourself when you are in a body that represents you is pretty fun. Doing those things when you don’t like your body really sucks.

-And let’s not even talk about summer seasons and bikini beach life shall we?

Here’s the thing… ALL of these reasons that health matters to us ladies are all EMOTIONALLY rooted. They all have emotional pain points and pleasure goals that keep us feeling like, “YES! That is what I want for my body!! NOT this!!”

So …. here’s what I am going to suggest – if you are one of those people out there setting healthy resolutions for 2017 – make your goals EMOTIONAL. Get really clear and invested on the reasons WHY these things matter to you.

Once you figure out why – everything changes.

Next step to stop feeling so gross is to stop comparing yourself to that crazy perfect body you are craving! It seems so far away doesn’t it? It seems impossible maybe? Well stop comparing yourself to it. Try, instead, to set small incremental goals that you can focus on one at a time.

A whole set of stars is super overwhelming to think about climbing (especially when you are a little heavy) so try focusing on one step at a time instead. (I’m being metaphorical here but you get it.)

After that, get so super clear about what life will be like if you DON’T make this change..  Do Everything than anything you can to put yourself in that uncomfortable place where you are ready to scream with determination from a freekin rooftop “I AM GOING TO DO THIS. NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES.”

And then take massive massive action to invest in the person you want to be. Do whatever it takes. Join a program, commit to something to just prove to yourself that you are WORTH THIS. It’s not about having the right resources.. it’s about being resourceful. So make it happen girl!

Oh.. and if you are a WIP Girl – don’t forget to fill out the free Healthy Lifestyle guide to walk you through all of these steps! It’s live in your member section!


A Self Worth Story – From the Girl Who Lost Everything.

A Self Worth Story – From the Girl Who Lost Everything.

Self Worth is the key to living any happy life. When you don’t feel good about yourself, life pretty much sucks, am I right? Feeling happy is darn difficult when you feel worthless. Feeling confident is basically impossible when you don’t love yourself. And appreciating all the great things life has to offer is simply a day dream when you don’t like the person you are. But wait…

What is Self Worth Anyway?

Basically, for all the insecure girls out there, Self Worth is defined as: “the sense of one’s own value or worth as a person.” But I think if you are reading this article, you can probably identify with all the things that self worth ISN’T. Rather than what it is. Here’s how to tell if you don’t have self worth:

Warning Signs You Need to Love Yourself More:


You let other people take advantage of you.

You constantly feel like you aren’t good enough.

You compare yourself to other people.

You fear failure, because you think you never achieve anything.

You don’t believe you are good enough for “good things.”

You feel insecure.

You don’t speak up about how you feel.

You are scared of being alone.

You don’t walk away from people who hurt you.

Basically.. you live life stuck, insecure, and feeling scared.


That is what a LACK of Self Worth is.

And if you’re trying to fix those things, lucky for you, you are in the right place.


Having little self worth totally F*’s up your life girl.

If you’re stumbling on this website for the first time and don’t know anything about me or What is Perfection, let just tell you little bit about what this website is. Because it’s ALL About self worth girl. WIP is a place where I teach women how to rebuild their self confidence and create  happy beautiful versions of themselves.. because I know EXACTLY what it is like to live life feeling insecure. and it SUCKS. (you should join the free community for my free self improvement tools P.S.)

Because years ago I WAS THAT GIRL – struggling to feel good, without self worth and completely turning my life upside down trying to feel happy and confident.


I dated assholes to feel loved. I developed an eating disorder to get the perfect body. I coped with serious depression, suicidal thoughts because I felt like I was never good enough. Yup. Self worth – zero. That was me. Because I deeply loathed myself, I was constantly trying to change who I was in order to feel better. It never worked. (Lucky for you, I actually became a self-loving CHAMP!…. and I’ll show you how to be one too!)

self worth what is perfection


But in case you are interested, read more about me here:

My Eating Disorder Journey

Being A Rape Victim 

The Full About Me Page






Learn how to enjoy being alone.

When I didn’t have self worth, I was so scared of being alone. I needed a partner, and I needed to be around friends 24/7. It wasn’t because I was a social person who enjoyed that (even though I do today,) It was because I didn’t really love myself enough to want to spend time with just me! Learning how to be alone with yourself is a scary thing in the beginning. It’s like you are almost spending time with a stranger. But taking baby steps into being independent will help. Slowly, overtime, the more one on one time you get with yourself, the more you will learn about who you are and what makes you wonderful.

Get rid of the labels you put on yourself.

I’ve been through a lot in my life… a lot of bad, not so fun things. For a long time I thought all of those bad things defined me in a “tarnished” way. I was “the girl who was raped,” or “the girl who married a guy who turned out to be a drug dealer.” or the suicidal depressed girl etc. etc. and all those other bad things I’ve been through. I actually carried those labels around with me for a LONG LONG time.

But that was a big problem.

Because when I lived my life thinking I was JUST those things, I was miserable. You may feel this way too. maybe you struggle with your weight and have branded yourself as “the fat girl” or maybe you were “the slut” in high school and you were so bullied about it that you can’t seem to let go of that image. Whatever it is, the labels you put on yourself based on the past experiences you’ve had actually prevent you from being a confident happy person.

You can’t move forward and grow when you are so stuck on the person you once were. Make a list of all those labels and throw them out the window girl. Start asking yourself “who do I want to be” and be that person instead.

Focus on what makes you happy, not on what impresses people.

Yes, for a long time I lived for OTHER people. I picked a career that impressed my parents. I wore clothes because they were “in fashion.” I didn’t pursue passions or hobbies because other people thought they were stupid or not important. And a while back, I actually stayed in a really unhealthy relationship way longer than I should have because I was so worried about disappointing my family. This is a key lesson in self confidence. You need to stop worrying about the rest of the world and build your self worth by focusing on your own happiness. You can check out this post on how to stop caring what other people think if you need help on this one (there’s a free E-guide there for ya)

Start believing that maybe you actually deserve better than the way you have been living.

No one ever taught me how to feel good about myself growing up… In school, they never really teach you how to establish a solid self image. Self Worth really isn’t a part of the school curriculum. And few parents teach their children how to be confident and self loving. We think those qualities are “selfish” am I right?

No. No they aren’t. So it’s time to start thinking differently about self love. And if you are unhappy with your life, then maybe it’s time to reflect and ask yourself, “Am I living based on false beliefs about what happiness is?”



Get rid of your old unhealthy beliefs.

If you believe that you need to lose weight to feel beautiful – there is a problem here.

Do you need to feel important to other people or get noticed by other people to feel good? Why?

If you picked your career because your parents told you that you would make a lot of money – you won’t feel successful. EVER.

Think that your husband is the only person who will ever love you so you don’t walk away from the relationship?

Do you feel like you can’t be yourself because other people won’t like who you are?

Or maybe you are constantly comparing yourself to other people – trying to be as beautiful or as thin or successful as they are.

It’s time to stop.

This learned-behavior is WRONG. It isn’t serving you.

Let’s break that habit and start redefining our self worth.

By teaching ourselves a new way of living.













So, when I perfected the art of fulfillment, and developed the Perfection Program 30 Day Course based on those principles, so much of my life changed. And over time, something happen inside me.. I felt lighter.. more at peace. And suddenly I felt happier.

I found a new sense of confidence in my ability to make decisions for myself. And I started making more of them.

Following my heart to self love, led me to even more self love. Because I make decisions for my life based on ME. And I actually started making better decisions. Decisions that made me proud. These are the choices that make me feel like I am in control of my life and my future. And there is nothing worth more than that.

And suddenly I was actually in control of my future, my emotions, and my happiness! Legit EVERYTHING about my life changed.

I went on an insane 5 year self love journey. And discovered What is Perfection LLC. Changing myself was never the answer to finding self worth. It was all about changing what I was looking for. And it was within me the whole time.

Yes, the Self Worth Discovery: Is within you too.

If you feel ready to find that self love and make a change for your life, check out the Perfection Program 30 Day Course and make it happen!









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What is Perfection is the Self Improvement blog for the imperfect girl everywhere. Learn to find happiness, feel beautiful, and be confident in who you are. We all deserve to be happy, and we all deserve to be the best version of us. And we all are truly capable of getting there. Because Perfection Is Impossible. Happiness isn’t. See The Self Improvement E-Guide Collection For Your Life Coaching Guides to Change Your Life Today!

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I May Be A Rape Victim….

I May Be A Rape Victim….


Seems like that’s the only way to start this story.

So you know exactly what I am.

My credentials and credibility are right in front of you.

I am a rape victim.

I am a rape victim.

I am a rape victim.


There it is.


That was probably easier for me than it was for you.

The harder part is deciding what to write next.

Because there a million things I want to say.

There a million things I want to tell you.

A million things you need to know.

So let’s start with the whole million shall we?

The millions of us out there who are victims.

The millions of us who have experienced a rape.


And I am just one of them.

Yes, I am a rape victim.

But I stopped living like one a long time ago.


And I’m telling the story.

 Since I’m sure you are wondering anyway.

Because so many are curious.

So few inquire.

“I am a rape victim”

I will say.

It’s a statement often followed by silence.

So powerful that few know how to follow it.

“When did it happen?”

“How old were you?” 

“Did you know your attacker?” 

So many wonder. So few ask.

So many are afraid to ask.



When I was 13 and about to start high school, I was sexually assaulted by six men at once.

When I was 19 and in my first year of college, I was raped by someone I knew.

Those are the years in the record books.

The years that make me a “rape victim.”

Those are the years you’ll look at, learn about, and come to a conclusion from:

“Yes. She is a rape victim.” This is proof.  

But what you don’t see on paper are all the other years in between.

The years that were taken from me.

The years I didn’t “become” a victim, but actually “lived” like a victim:

By trying to erase the memory of how I became one in the first place.

Trying to.

Because that’s what so many of us try to do.

For so many years.


Like the year after my first assault, when I was 14 years old and decided to keep it a secret.

Someone said, “you must have asked for it.” So I remained silent. 

Or the year after that, when I was 15, and pretended like it never happened.

Because the friends I told stopped being my friends.

And the adults I told didn’t believe me.  

 So I tried to stop believing it too. 

And then the years I was 16, and 17, and 18, and 19,

when I was finally able to convince myself

It never happened.

Because I just wanted to be normal like everyone else. 

But it did happen.

And when I was 19 and it happened again,

I just decided it didn’t.

Because no one ever told me “it’s not your fault,”

So I continued living like it was.

Living like I was a victim.


An attack is not just one moment.

It’s a lifetime.

It’s being raped of a childhood.

Being blamed for an attack.

Labeled as “a slut.”

Looked at as “a weirdo.”

Growing up unable to connect with others.

Spending years just trying to “be normal.”

Constantly ignoring a pain.

Continuously living in denial.

Never. Ever. Talking about it.


But this is is a conversation we need to have.

Because if we  don’t talk about it,

No one will learn.

Victims won’t heal.

Attacks won’t be prevented.

The stigma will linger.

Nothing will change.


But we need change.

Stop victimizing the victims and start helping them live and let go.

We can’t let go of something when we pretend it never happened. 

Stop silencing your children and minimizing their trauma.

We learn from you. And if you are ashamed, we will be too. 

Stop telling your girlfriends they “asked for it.”

We didn’t ask for it. We asked for acceptance. 

We need to stop punishing victims by silencing them.

Blaming them.

Belittling them.

Branding them.

Burdening them.

We need to stop doing all of those things.

And start letting stories be heard, understood, and accepted.


I hated being called a rape victim.

Because the only thing that ever made me a victim was

having to live

pretending it never happened.

For fear of being judged,



laughed at


Calling me a victim made me feel defeated.

It made me feel impure.

It made me feel less than.

Not because it represents the horror and pain of something I once experienced,

But because it made me feel like I should keep silent

and remain inferior

to my attackers

and to people who looked me differently because I was attacked.


Maybe I am different.

But it doesn’t make inferior.

Maybe I was attacked.

But it doesn’t give you the freedom to attack me.

Maybe you don’t understand.

But you should at least try to.

And sure, maybe I did experience something traumatic.

But I overcame it like a fuckin warrior.

And I am damn proud of that.

Because even though I am a victim.

I’m sure as hell not living like one.




Broken to Beautiful 30 Day Online Course what is perfection


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What is Perfection is the Self Improvement blog for the imperfect girl everywhere. Learn to find happiness, feel beautiful, and be confident in who you are. We all deserve to be happy, and we all deserve to be the best version of us. And we all are truly capable of getting there. Because Perfection Is Impossible. Happiness isn’t. See The Self Improvement E-Guide Collection For Your Life Coaching Guides to Change Your Life Today!

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